Should I just give up this lifestyle?

[Veronica Daniels]

Southern-

I am sorry to hear about your struggles...it always makes me a bit sad to hear stories like this. However, there is hopefulness in your story because your husband is willing to try! That is so much more than many couples can say!

In my family therapy practice over the years I would hear so many sad stories about partners who were absolutely un-willing to try any kink at all to help meet their partners needs...who would verbally abuse them on a regular basis about how sick their needs were, etc.

The fact that your husband is willing to listen and try is HUGE! Give him credit for that and be open to his feeelings and concerns as well. Relationships are a two way street, so be sure to give him time and space to say what he needs, too.

In regards to "giving up the lifestyle"....hmmmm. I actually do not consider it a lifestyle, I consider it an orientation much like your sexual orientation. If you were saying, "should I give up being heterosexual"? I would whole-heartedly tell you that was virtually impossible to do so and would cause you grave consequences to your body, mind, and psyche. I would say the same thing to you about trying to "give up the lifestyle". It is not really a lifestyle. A lifestyle is how someone chooses to live their life. Being a spanko is a physical and emotional orientation, a state of being in the world. It is a part of who you are like your sexuality is a part of who you are. It is part of what makes you tick. One cannot just give it up without very serious emotional consequences to themselves and the relationships they are in. You would end up resenting your husband for it in the long run and end up hating him for the fact that you gave up yourself to be OK with him. I have seen it a hundred times if I have seen it once! Dr. D mentioned it in his above note, and it is so true!

It is NEVER OK to give up yourself in order to be OK with another person.

My marriage ended over it. I tried to be vanilla and be what my ex wanted me to be to keep peace in our relationship, and we ended up more distant and more angry at each other for it. Vanilla is vanilla and rocky road is rocky road. You cannot change who you are inside; you can simply change how you to chose to accept it in yourself and whether you get what you need.

I support you in being honest with yourself and your husband about who you are and what you need. I support you in listening to his needs and feelings and finding common ground if you can. I support you in being true to yourself while trying to respect his needs as well.

I truly wish you both the very best and hope you find a way to share your needs together.

I am so grateful I found my true match, my pefect mate, Dr. D! I know there is someone out there for everyone! It took me a long time to find mine, but I am so glad I did! The wait was worth it!