Crossing the line...

[aurora]

Okay, I'm going to be a buzz kill for a moment here, and drift away from our usually fun threads. I was kind of wondering about if any of us (bottoms/subs, most likely) have found ourselves in physically abusive scenarios and if living within this sort of lifestyle makes it hard to act out against it.

Obviously, there's a big difference between consentual and non-consentual, and even that sort of role-played non-consentuality maybe of us enjoy that's within a consentual relationship. "No" isn't a safeword, right? But what about when someone REALLY crosses a line? When they do something in anger or a drug/alcohol induced unawareness that's just completely outside of your relationship and/or how you play.

Has anyone found that your submissive/bottom tendancies interfere with you taking steps of action that, in your head, you know you should, but the irony just makes it so hard? Anyone ever war with calling the police, because how can you explain to them that this one occurrance isn't the kind of hitting you like, especially when you know the other person will tell them that you essentially like rough sex, ect...?

Well let me say that a bottom should NEVER permit themselves to be placed in an abusive situation. I've written before that tops have a responsibility to look after their bottoms and ensure that they are not mentally or physically abused. If you are in an abusive situation, the best advice I can offer is GET OUT OF IT NOW!!!!!!! There is nothing about a spanking relationship that in any way suggests that the bottom is bound to allow abuse of any kind. Please...if you are talking about yourself....get out of your bottom space for now and assert your rights as a human being.

Best

rb

[aurora]

I'm not necessarily talking about a spanking situation. It could be anyone, any situation. I'm asking more about if anyone struggles with the fact of how do you act against one sort of hitting that you know is abusive when you desire another sort of hitting.

[dragonbratling]

I've been in a spanking lifestyle for almost 30 years now and when i was married my ex husband was abusive. he knew about my spanking lifestyle and he participated in it, but he was also stupid and tended to hit me. that lasted 3 times. i divorced him after the 3rd time, and no there were no broken bones, hospitalizations or anything extreme, he just wanted to hit me and i chose not to live like that. and i had no problem reporting him as an abuser. does that make me less submissive, i dont think so. i'm just strong enough to not be taken advantage of. but it doesnt stop me from being hurt sometimes, just opportunities to grow.

[Chuckles]

What you're describing, aurora, seems to be a form of rape. Thankfully I'm totally unfamiliar with that topic, but many resources are available. You might want to start by Googling "intimate rape." If therapy seems to be an option worth pursuing, you might also Google "kink-aware therapists" or seek a recommendation from a friend in the lifestyle whom you can trust. Of course we hope the situation will improve, but hope isn't a substitute for taking positive action.

I don't know if I have ever posted on this forum before. Hmm, this might be a first.

I have the problem you describe Aurora. I have a very difficult time saying "no" when someone crosses a line with me. I have suffered abuse during my life, both as a child and as an adult. I don't know if my inability to say "no" stems from the abuse I suffered, or if it has something to do with the way I was raised, or if it is just part of my innate personality, or if I am just too submissive. But I struggle like hell with this and I have for a long time.

For me, learning to love myself and value myself as an individual has been very important in combatting this. When I love myself I realize I don't want to be treated that way and I don't deserve to be treated that way, so I stand up for myself more.

I agree with what chuckles says about therapy. That is one way a person can learn to love themselves, by seeing a good therapist who can help them understand they don't deserve to be abused. It also helps to be surrounded by good people who can make you feel special.

I don't know if this situation refers to you or someone you know, but best wishes either way.

[spanked~amber]

It is my opinion that when " a line is crossed " it is a different world than tops & bottoms and spanking play ect. It is abuse. Just because a man knows that this woman is submissive by nature, does not give him the right to take that for granted. I have been in a situation that turned violent a few years ago. I was engaged and fortunatly I saw the jekyl side of him then and not after a wedding ceremony. Either way it's a heartache but a lesson well learned. Because of an abusive home life while growing up, it only took that one time. My instinct was to get out with out hesitation and that I did. My submissive side did not prevail. From experience I will say this; Don't waste your time and put your safety and happiness at stake thinking they will change. Whether it be a play partner in the spanking realm or in a relationship, not putting up with abuse does not mean your not submissive, it means your wise enough to stand up for your well being.

[Jean-Paul]

That is very good advice,Amber.
I would have a talk with him and tell him
how you feel,and if it doesn't change,
then I would move on.
Believe me,there are plenty of tops out
there that will treat you right.
JP