How submissive is submissive?

[Adelina]

I'm in the same category as Erica. I'm all bottom, but NOT submissive. Submission seems to be one of those things that is like a big clump of play-doh, something you mold into whatever works best for you. There's no right or wrong way to it, a fact which makes it all the harder to grasp!

Weaving your way through this kink-world can be a little disorienting. When I found this online community, I was bringing a lifetime of fantasy and the assumption that all these other people here were just like me, treating the spanking thrill as a form of pornography and rough sexuality. Many of my private fantasies would probably be considered more the Master/slave fare, but always with the distinct knowledge that it was not real, that there was a solid, impervious line separating the mental imagery from the real world. And I assumed that such was the way people operated when interacting with others in person.

When I discovered people were living this "DD" lifestyle, I was scandalized! My whole fantasy went *poof.*

From there, I tried to sort of talk myself into being submissive, thinking that if I didn't, I wouldn't be a "real" spanko and wouldn't fit into the group. That just led to a lot of frustration, depression, and being just plain pissed-off. People who are in DD or DS relationships often describe this deep emotional connection with their partners, and it's that very connection that eludes me in my quasi-autistic-ness; it even feels sort of icky to me. I feel most comfortable standing alone, but knowing that resources are readily available when I do want to reach out.

I have learned an awful lot about the lifestyle and have respect for it now, rather than suspicion. But I've also become quite comfortable being where I'm at, which is just enjoying the heck out of my kink and not being the least bit interested in discipline or punishment, and knowing that is okay.

In the interest of clarification:

[QUOTE=sarah thorne ] ... - and then discipline me for breaking that. I have no willpower, and view it as him "helping" me. I want to avoid that discipline, like I want to avoid a ticket. QUOTE]

Here's me being super picky! I felt a need to point out that, in an earlier post sarah, you noted appropriately that discipline and punishment are not the same thing... but here, you are using the words interchangeably. It's an important distinction, one which I have struggled to understand. As best I can tell, discipline is more of an ongoing atmosphere or undercurrent of structure, whereas punishment is a specific event with a distinct beginning and end. Does that sound right?

I do have a legitimate need for release, and the ideal scenario would probably appear similiar to discipline, but I don't feel they are the same. I don't desire accountability for specific things; but I get worried about things, or get depressed, or just feel "off," and I feel like yelling or throwing things or punching someone in the head. Naturally, I do none of those things... so the tension just stays all smushed inside me and makes me jumpy and wound up and less attentive to my surroundings. I relish the notion of someone just grabbing me and spanking until my head clears out, or even just restraining me in a tight grip... and then I would be able to chill out and look at things rationally again. That would be a dream come true. But I don't think it quite fits into the discipline realm. It has more of a therapeutic slant.

[sarah thorne]

[QUOTE=Adelina;4801]

In the interest of clarification:

[QUOTE=sarah thorne ] ... - and then discipline me for breaking that. I have no willpower, and view it as him "helping" me. I want to avoid that discipline, like I want to avoid a ticket.

Here's me being super picky! I felt a need to point out that, in an earlier post sarah, you noted appropriately that discipline and punishment are not the same thing... but here, you are using the words interchangeably. It's an important distinction, one which I have struggled to understand. As best I can tell, discipline is more of an ongoing atmosphere or undercurrent of structure, whereas punishment is a specific event with a distinct beginning and end. Does that sound right?

Actually, yes.

However, like many words, they can be used separately in contexts and interchangeably to mean the same thing. For instance, I can say, "I was disciplined last night for an infraction." and you are going to know that, technically, I was punished. Discipline seems to be a word that can be used, as you say, in regard to an ongoing atmosphere of guidance, or it can be used in the context of being an actual act, such as one of punishment. The words punishment, however, doesn't seem to me to be used in the dual sense.

I prefer to use the word 'discipline' rather than 'punish' because the word 'punish' sounds so...I don't know....harsh.

Does that make sense?

sarah

[Adelina]

It does make sense, yes, as you explain it.

Both words are equally unappealing to me, but I know my circumstances are different. They have negative connotations. But at least I am able to type them now! There is hope....

[Mike Schaeffer]

Originally Posted by Adelina

I do have a legitimate need for release, and the ideal scenario would probably appear similiar to discipline, but I don't feel they are the same. I don't desire accountability for specific things; but I get worried about things, or get depressed, or just feel "off," and I feel like yelling or throwing things or punching someone in the head. Naturally, I do none of those things... so the tension just stays all smushed inside me and makes me jumpy and wound up and less attentive to my surroundings. I relish the notion of someone just grabbing me and spanking until my head clears out, or even just restraining me in a tight grip... and then I would be able to chill out and look at things rationally again. That would be a dream come true. But I don't think it quite fits into the discipline realm. It has more of a therapeutic slant.

Adelina, this is exactly where the loosely used "bottom" or "submissive" comes in. You just need to find a "top" or "disciplinarian" that understands your needs. As I've put in other posts, there were many times that I didn't "decide" a punishment was in order, rather the girl I was with came to me and told me that she needed to be spanked and why. In fact that was how it went most of the time. Since we didn't live together there were many things I was unaware of and I certainly had no desire to try and keep an eye on anyone 24/7. When my spankee needed that release for whatever reason SHE would let ME know and from there we would work out the punishment. This is paramount to a healthy spanking relationship, the spankee is the one actually in control of the situation, but she (or he) transfers that control over to the spanker as needed. If your needs aren't the paramount concern of your spanker, it's time to find a new one. You have to build that kind of relationship where both parties needs are met, whether you have an actual relationship or just a spanking relationship.

[paully62]

Hey, if it makes sense to Adelina, that is all I need to know hehe.