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#11
04-07-2008, 03:41 AM
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I've just been speaking to my boyfriend about this right now and he offers a very wise bit of knowledge. He's said:
It's a dominant mans responsibility (or woman, but we're speaking about men amongst ourselves right now) to use tact and good judgment when approaching a female spankee who may have absolutely no interest in them what so ever, and to know that she has no responsibilities to him whatsoever. In the same way that it's important that any dominant man is aware that just as he is not entitled to have anyone else play with him, similarly, he is not entitled to put any spankee in a position in which she may feel forced to be more forthright than she is comfortable being. I feel I have a very intelligent boyfriend. He's got a lot of life experience under his belt and has some very intelligent parents as well. I do think this is important, that just because a man is dominant doesn't give him rights to anything or anyone. Including the right to a response from a woman who does not know you, etc. This sounds harsh, but I have to agree with him. Especially with how I've been treated at Paddles and smaller parties. I've only been to one large regional party and everything was excellent, so I have no doubt that the same or similar would be true for a TASSP or FMS party. Just his 2 cents, sent via me and the interwebs 
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#12
04-07-2008, 06:42 AM
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I'm sorry jersey, but I disagree with you and your boyfriend. A man, dominant or not, has the responsibility to use tact sure --- but it is the responsibility of the one who is being asked to make clear their answer is no if they have no intention to play with anyone. Yes, as a bottom/submissive, you do have that responsibility. Especially in a social situation such as a spanking party/club where asking is expected to happen. It's true that they are not entitled to play with you, but no one is a mind reader, as Suzy said. We are not talking about a stranger approaching you on the street.
Bottom's DO have a responsibility -- that is to say "NO" if they mean it. That's like not using your safeword and then crying afterward and saying, "He went beyond my limits and is a horrible person!" Yes a dominant has responsibilities but ultimately we are ALL responsible for ourselves. To be honest, I don't believe that someone who has not worked out a good way to make their answer of "NO" clear to unwanted requests at parties such as the kinds we go to, have no business going until they can do so. It can cause a lot of problems and misunderstandings when clarity would take care of the issue. sarah Last edited by sarah thorne; 04-07-2008 at 06:53 AM.
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#13
04-07-2008, 08:13 AM
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Jersey - I've read your response and it sounds like you have been to a few parties. It is wonderful that you think so highly of your boyfriend (and his parents) - he must be a wonderful man and from a close family. If I'm reading your comment correctly, you have been to more than a couple of parties and have had similar experiences (having difficulty with the "no thanks" factor). Since you seem to really value your boyfriend's opinion, I wonder if you could approach him and ask for his help on how to handle the situation when it arises. I'm sure between the two of you, you will be able to come up with some very polite, but more direct responses that will ensure you have a more relaxing and enjoyable time and the person asking gets a clearer message of what you are comfortable with.
I think Sarah is right on target. I highly value my husband's opinion and always take it into consideration (he also has more life experience), as you should with your boyfriend, but that doesn't mean you don't have a voice in your life. I hope your next experience is more enjoyable and if you are faced with a similar situation, I'm sure you will be ready with a more direct response (while sharing a warm smile with the person). It can be done - practice makes perfect. : )
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#14
04-08-2008, 08:43 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
Later on we were discussing the responses to it and realized that it wasn't clear that while *we* spoke of male dominants and female bottoms/submissives/spankees, we do feel it applies to all who identify as tops and bottoms no matter what their orientation. Kate
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#16
04-09-2008, 12:28 AM
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Paully, I like the way you think.
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#19
04-10-2008, 10:25 AM
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I have said "maybe later" when I mean it...the timing is sometimes off (too sore from a previous session or promised to play with another soon). But-if it is someone I have no intention of playing with, I just say "no, thank you" leaving no room for cajoling or negotiating. Sometimes when I say "maybe later" it is so I can seek the advice of other bottoms or play partners, but I always try to make it a point to tell the Top (politely) that I would or would not like to play...I think it is unfair to garner a reputation like BV's just for showing enthusiasm for our common interest!
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#20
04-14-2008, 07:40 AM
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I am a very concrete person, so much so that I sometimes wonder whether I teeter on the edge of the autistic spectrum. I've had to actually train myself to look at people while conversing with them. I've gotten awfully good at reading people... but it is so, so much easier when people just say what they mean. It isn't fair to expect people to read coyness and dishonesty, and this is especially true in a party setting where there is so much noise and distraction. It is not rude to say no. It is not rude to say maybe if that is what you mean. It is, however, rude and disrespectful to say "maybe" if you actually do mean no. People deserve more respect than that.
BV is my dear friend and the most fabulous top and so good to me. It pains me to know what he's been through just because others cannot bring themselves to be honest. I would like to say more about it, but BV doesn't like me using that kind of language, so I shall stop here.
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