"Not Now Maybe Later"

BlackVelvet007 · #1 04-06-2008, 12:44 PM

I may catch some hell for this one, but this is just something I HAVE to get out of my system BEFORE I attend TASSP in 3 days, 21 hours

When I attended Shadowlane parties, I would occasionally inquire about a scene with a potential play partner only to be told "Not now, but Maybe Later." At the time, I was naive enough to take this at face value, such that when I ran into the same person a few hours later, I would inquire again.
This was usually met with " Oh, I just played, but Maybe Later.".

It took about three parties before someone pointed out that "When a girl says 'Not Now but Maybe Later', she's politely trying to tell you 'Not in a million years under ANY circumstances'". By that time, I had developed this nasty reputation of being a "relentless" person who "never takes NO for an answer". That's simply not true. I DO take NO for an answer. I just don't take "Maybe Later" as a "NO".

Ladies, being a spankee and/or being a submissive (and yes, there's a BIG difference between the two

) does NOT mean that you have no backbone.
Sure, rejection hurts, but the short sharp pain of rejection is nothing compared to being strung along under false hopes for 3 or 4 days.
And it's REALLY nothing compared to the agony that a tarnished reputation carries with it.

So when you're confronted with someone that you just don't want to play with.....just say "NO".

Ok, now that I have that out of my system, I can party with folks I know

Arianna · #2 04-06-2008, 01:05 PM

Well, I hope you receive "Yes, I would love to" each and every time. I can't wait to hear about all the fun that was had! This party sounds like so much fun - a real exciting experience!

tubaman · #3 04-06-2008, 05:24 PM

I usually make it a point that if I get a second "no" for any reason, I figure she just doesn't want to play with me. I won't ask a third time.

However, there HAVE been instances when the lady in question bratted me after the second "no," and got her spanking anyway.

You definitely do not deserve a reputation as a guy who doesn't take "no" for an answer when you haven't been told "no" yet. I have heard from other guys who have had this same complaint.

On the other hand, I am sympathetic with the ladies who don't want to hurt the Top's feelings. this might be a good thread. Bottoms, how can you let a nice Top down without hurting his or her feelings?

Paul (Tubaman)

texas_jack · #4 04-06-2008, 05:55 PM

Haven't met one yet that I felt like turning down, but that's just me.

raavyn · #5 04-06-2008, 08:05 PM

Well, i can't imagine anyone saying no to BV ... but since i can't be there, i want pictures, ya'all ... LOTS and LOTS of pictures.

jerseysweet · #6 04-06-2008, 09:09 PM

"Not now, but maybe later" really can mean, later.

If someone doesn't want to play with you, then they say "Maybe later" all of the other times you ask them, then they don't want to.

This requires some brain power - look at a person when they are giving their reply, watch how they move, their facial expression, how they say it, and are they looking beyond you when they say maybe later?

It's important to be able to not only verbally communicate but read peoples physical reactions to you.

ie. if someone cringes when you come near them and ask them to play, and they say "Not now, maybe later" I wouldn't ask again.

I guess I am just overly used to creeps approaching me at parties/clubs and even if I tell them no thank you, they come up after they've witnessed me playing and say "Put you played with him" and then you're like "Because he isn't a creep". It's tough to be the keeper of the key so to speak.

But women get turned down as well. Not as often, but it happens. Everyone gets rejected at some point. Cut your loses and move on.

sarah thorne · #7 04-06-2008, 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jerseysweet

"Not now, but maybe later" really can mean, later.

If someone doesn't want to play with you, then they say "Maybe later" all of the other times you ask them, then they don't want to.

This requires some brain power - look at a person when they are giving their reply, watch how they move, their facial expression, how they say it, and are they looking beyond you when they say maybe later?

It's important to be able to not only verbally communicate but read peoples physical reactions to you.

This is easy to say, and I think it can be hard to believe that there are people out there who process and think in such concrete terms that when someone says something like "maybe later", then they believe that's what is meant. There are people who really can not grasp social cues and gauge people's physical reactions.

For these same people who process this way, being direct (even when most people might read more into it than is there) is in no way taken as an affront, but what it means - which is "no". (Or "yes")

It seems to me the simple answer would be to simply say what you mean, then no one is confused.

After having a child with Autism, I am more able to realize that some people who may not "get it" when most people will, are not necessarily evil stalkers or stupid or creepy ---- they simply are more concrete and literal than most. (and yes, okay, some ARE creepy)

So it just doesn't take "brainpower" for those asking --- it takes acceptance and understanding from those responding so they are as clear about their own intentions as they want to be.

BV, I plan full well to play with you if you'll have me. Know that ahead of time.

sarah

sarah thorne · #8 04-06-2008, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tubaman

On the other hand, I am sympathetic with the ladies who don't want to hurt the Top's feelings. this might be a good thread. Bottoms, how can you let a nice Top down without hurting his or her feelings?

Paul (Tubaman)

Well, this may be no help, but I just think saying, "Sorry, but I already have a play partner." Or, "Sorry, but my partner and I have discussed ahead of time who we will be playing with."

If someone doesn't know you anyway, this should not be a problem.

I am in agreement with BV. It's hard to say "No" --- but I think that is the best way. It doesn't have to be mean. Phrase it any way you want (see above) but don't leave a question about what your answer is. If you really do want to think about it, say so. Then say, "But if I change my mind, I will seek you out, okay?" THAT way, he doesn't have to keep coming back cuz you said, "Maybe later."

Spankees are responsible for deciding who spanks them and who does not and most people attending parties are aware that not everyone is an open invitation.

So say no. Then move on. It's a spankee's right and everyone, even the spankers, know it.

sarah

Spankable Suzy · #9 04-06-2008, 10:26 PM

Sarah said......It seems to me the simple answer would be to simply say what you mean, then no one is confused."

I totally agree with the above statement Sarah made. Submissive, Spankee, Switch or otherwise, just say what you mean and don't expect others to read your mind.

I also agree that I will be happy to play with BV anytime I can

Can't wait.. only 4 more days to go!

Suzy

iggy · #10 04-07-2008, 12:50 AM

Depends on the person. For me, there's a huge chance that that sort of answer would actually just mean "maybe later" and that I was too chicken and hadn't worked up the nerve to do it yet.

Sometimes I need to be cajoled carefully into things even when I really want to do them. That's when it helps if the person asking you already knows you. It also probably helps if you are more comfortable in the real life scene than I am.

Of course if some complete stranger was hounding me every five minutes, the no would definitely mean no, but I'd also tend to be on the lookout for the person and run in the opposite direction whenever I saw him.

I so suck at just saying "no, go away".