Safewords

[RG_]

A bit late perhaps (not that I was reminded, or anything ~non-chalantly whistles), but here are my observations. I'll answer in general, and then perhaps comment a bit on some of Sarah's points about us in particular.

As a general rule, while I don't think that it should be mandatory that a safeword be in place I think that for people who are not in close relationships that a safeword be used. It provides a commonly known and accepted safety plug for people in an environment where judgment, maturity, skill, preferences, interpersonal skill and more vary a great deal. If for any reason things begin to get a little out of the ordinary and other signals or words don't work or aren't used for some reason, the safeword is a quick and easy red light to halt the action and get everything lined back up properly again.

I think that the safeword should be something very simple, very easy to remember, and something that when said in a stressful environment in which a lot of stuff may be going on, is easily recognized, even if stuttered, muffled, or is otherwise not clear. I think that if a Top for any reason even remotely thinks that a bottom might have used a safeword that he should stop immediately and check. It's entirely the Top's responsibility to ensure that a safeword has NOT been used, rather than the bottom's responsibility to make sure that she says it right or that he hears, etc. Read that again: entirely the Top's responsibility.

To help ensure that it's something that she can use when needed, I let the bottom choose the safeword. If she's not sure, then I suggest, as noted in another post above, the word "safeword" for the safeword. I've yet to have anyone say anything other than something like, "Hey, good idea! Yes, let's use that!"

Now, in an actual D/s DD (Dominant/submissive Domestic Discipline, for those who may be new to the world) relationship I think that for true discipline situations that a safeword should NOT be used, and I won't allow one. Sarah has already explained this reasoning very well, but it's essentially because when someone takes themselves to the point of discipline--true discipline--they take themselves entirely out of control of the situation. They get what they are gonna get, and it's not their place to decide. Now, also as Sarah notes, I think that must be done in the context of a relationship which is committed, caring, with a Top who both has the best interests of his sub in mind, and has control of his own emotions. If a Top has an anger problem to the extent that he is not in control of it, that he acts due to anger, and in which anger intensifies what he does, then he needs to step back entirely from the discipline realm until he gets those things under control. Lack of a safeword and the willingness to give up that level of control to the sub WHEN a Top is not in control of his anger, acts on it, and such, is a dangerous situation, indeed. I would recommend to any sub who has such a Top that if he is not actively willing to work with her on the issue, that she needs to consider breaking the D/s relationship until such time as he has self-control.

[persephone]

i use "safeword" as my safeword, for the reason everyone already mentioned about trying to remember funny words.

my fiance wanted me to have a safeword long before we started exploring my submission because he was vanilla and it made him feel more comfortable to know that there was something clear to put a halt to things. and now that i am officially "owned," my owners still want me to use the safeword and they really use it as their main stop sign-- i.e., if my words or body language suggest that i'm frantic they may stop to check on me, but they won't really change what they're doing unless i use the safeword.

i would like to believe that eventually (we have been involved for about 6 months) the safeword will be more of an emergency thing because they will know me well enough to judge for themselves. but we try so many things that are new to me that i think they feel more confident in having a clear signal for when my limits have been stretched too far.

that said, i have used the safeword and then when we've stopped everything to discuss, the decision has been made to continue doing whatever it was that scared me enough to safeword. i say "scared" because i tend to use it more when my emotional limits have been pushed too far than my physical limits (even if my emotional limits are being pushed BECAUSE my physical limits are ALSO being pushed. does that make sense?).

[RG_]

Originally Posted by persephone

...whatever it was that scared me enough to safeword. i say "scared" because i tend to use it more when my emotional limits have been pushed too far than my physical limits ...

Now this is an interesting perspective which, on reflection, I think might be more common than we think. I would guess that when the term "limit" is used, it is almost always thought of in physical terms. A level of pain or discomfort has been reached which is no longer bearable. But here persephone mentions emotional limits, and these are what actually cause her to act to use her safeword.

Really, it all makes much sense to me.

Have any of the other subs here reacted to emotional limits before physical limits before?

[emily]

during play at parties ect.. yes if i felt something was going wrong i would safe word (red = stop/yellow=lighten up/green=gimmie more harder harder!!!).. as for w/ my partner there's just not a need for them.. i trust Him completely rather we're playing or He's Disciplining me..

[Adelina]

When I've used a safeword, it's usually because I was hyperventilating and getting dizzy. But I think my emotions have gotten in the way at least once as well. There is always the possibility, say in a roleplay, that some subterranean memory will be jarred loose and necessitate pause, or even that one's feelings may get jilted in the midst of well-intentioned banter, as happened to me once (though I chose to go on rather than safewording, which may not have been the right decision).

I've been in a situation with someone who didn't respond to the safeword because I didn't say it right. I said "mercy" instead of "mercy Mister." I thought that was a dippy safeword anyhow, since the purpose of a safeword is to stop the scene, to go out-of-character if you will, and "Mister" is an in-character term. Does that make sense? Anyway, I've decided that I reserve the right to choose my own safeword, or at least be comfortable with the one that's put forth. I'm the one that has to be able to remember and use it. He's the one in charge of the scene, so he should have the wherewithal to recognize a safeword when it pops out and respond appropriately.

I understand how couples in relationships become so familiar with one another that they just know how to read each other's signals, and I think that's a good thing. In that case, or in the case where someone feels like having a safeword is retaining too much control, remember that if something's wrong, you can always just say so: I found that "I think I'm going to pass out" ends a scene very quickly. And even if discipline is taking place, there are certain things like the smell of smoke, a crying infant, or an asthma attack, which I would hope most people would agree are grounds for stopping.

[persephone]

i think any variation on "mercy" is kind of silly for a safeword (although i do understand what you mean about the "mister" part. that was dumb too). it reminds me of that childhood game where... goodness, what did the two kids do to each other? something painful, and you lost when you couldn't take it anymore and said "mercy." maybe this guy you were involved with always lost that game when he was a kid and needed some kind of activity to rebuild his self-esteem.

[sarah thorne]

Originally Posted by persephone

i it reminds me of that childhood game where... goodness, what did the two kids do to each other? something painful, and you lost when you couldn't take it anymore and said "mercy."

I think you stood facing one another, locking both of your hands with the other person's hands, then using all your strength to twist the other person's wrist(s) so hard that they cried 'Mercy!'

It was called -- well, Mercy.

sarah