Should I just give up this lifestyle?

[spanked~amber]

There are a lot of great comments and advice here. I have to agree that trying to give up a part of YOU isn't the answer. The combination of your willingness to be patient and encourageing to him and his willingness to give you what you need says a lot. Compromise instead of sacrifice in this case sounds like a win/win. Patience is probably the biggest challenge. I knew in that moment of my first adult spanking that I was hooked and there was no turning back for me. I can't even imagine my life without it now. I have withdrawels when I'm not getting what I need spanking wise or it becomes inconsistent. Maybe if he understands that you are not asking him to embrace the spanking world as a whole but that you are asking him to participate on occasion with just you, soley to meet your needs, it will not seem so overwhelming to him. Just my two pennies worth. Best of luck, don't give up.

[Adelina]

While I'm not seeking discipline, I too have a vanilla husband (he's from Quebec so I call him a French Vanilla ) who seems to think I'm a little off my rocker. And actually, I have a disorder [OCD] which can easily stand in as a scapegoat for my kinky leanings. I had to convince hubby that I did not need to be cured of my bottom-ism; like Dr. D, I also tried to literally and figuratively throw away my desires, only to have it hit me like a tornado later on.

The mission took a different turn when I began to see hubby's own subby side emerging as I opened up to him, which is sort of touching but sort of frustrating at the same time. That's not quite the direction I was hoping for things to go!

I'm very grateful that he was open, after much discussion, to letting me explore this on my own and seek out others like myself. I know that a lot of partners are not able to be comfortable with that. I know how lucky I am.

As hubby and I are both in a line of work which involves a lot of behavioral management, I've sort of taken this mental turn from wishing he were a top, to working on desensitizing and conditioning him to come along with me on this ride, and in turn making a conscious effort to be attentive to his needs as well. THIS is very important! Even a DD relationship is a two-way street; Doms have needs, too. It's maybe not Dommy to admit it, but there are reasons why they seek out these relationships. There are personality aspects at work which are directing these leanings.

Your husband isn't a natural, so you'll have to be patient in finding ways to compromise and encourage him as you walk together on this journey. It's hard to be patient, especially when emotions are so involved in the mix.

[nightowl]

Adding my two cents here too. I fell for a vanilla guy soon after i realized how much spanking meant to me....I brought it up as something I liked to do during our sex to kind of feel him out, to see if he even enjoyed it.....he did....he liked the "power" it gave him.....about 3-4 months after that I wrote him about submission and dominanace.....very general feelings about how I thought our relationship would work with him being "the man in charge"....he found that writing interesting......again, later I wrote him about my need to be spanked to help me refocus and to bring a constructive way for us to deal with disagreeements.....He let it ride for awhile, and I didn't say anymore....then one day it just happened....I got lippy and he got toppy....and we were off and running.

But it was still difficult for him for awhile.....wasn't he hurting me? He didn't like the marks he left...He felt "evil" sometimes...but we continued to talk about it, continued to incorporate it into our sex life (ie playing Master/slave) and eventually we developed our "own rules" about what was a D/s relationship. I am happy to say that when he died we had the "perfect" D/s relationship, spanking and all......

Don't give up....go slow, write your thoughts, let them sink in and be true to him and yourself....If you're interested, I would be willing to share some of my letters with you offline.

Nightowwwww

[wkp]

I can definitely relate to your post. I am a male sub. I have been married to my wife for 18 years. We have been together for 22 years. I became aware of my fascination with being spanked at a very early age. My wife was the first person I had ever told of it. Until very recently, she was the only person I had ever told. I told her very early in our relationship, long before we were married. She giggled at first, but then did try to fullfil my spanking desires despite the fact that she was not into it. She tried many times over the next 22 years. I think that says a lot about who she is and what my hapiness means to her. Unfortunatly her attempts just never worked for me. It definitely didn't work for her. Eventually I had pretty much given up on it. We have an uncommonly open, honest and caring relationship. There was no way I was going to give that up for spanking, so I figured I would just give up the idea of being spanked. The only problem was my need to be spanked didn't go away, not in the slightest. We talked about it and agreed that maybe I should get my spanking outside our marriage. That was a few months ago and when I began posting to this and other message boards. I never did find anyone to play with. Anyway, this weekend my wife brought up the idea of her spanking me. I am not sure where this came from. She had NEVER initiated it herself before. This time she really listed to me when I explained to her what I needed. I even gave her a few prompts along the way, which she followed. I think my participation on these message boards helped me to better understand it myself, thus helping me to communicate it to her more effectivly. To make a long story not too much longer, this weekend I got a spanking like I have never had before! I never had been really spanked before this weekend. Our attempts always got derailed before any real spanking happened. The best part is that my wife enjoyed it too. She had never responded to it before, because I had never really responded. Both our excitement levels just fed off each other. Now we are BOTH looking forward to playing again next weekend. A spanko couple has been born!

I really don't have any advice other than what you can pick out on your own from my story. I just wanted to let you know that there is hope.

Take care.

[southern_sweetie]

Wow I am so happy for you and your wife! Congrats! I know there is hope and I won't be giving up. He still wants to try and I just have to be patient.

[lil_dixiedarling]

I wish i had as eloquent of words and thoughts as most of the posters here, but unfortunately that just isn't me. I can however speak from my own feelings and heart. I am still looking for the pot of gold shall we say in all of this "lifestyle" "way of life" "orientation" or what ever else you may call it. I am still fairly new though and do have a great guy that is willing to put up with some down right annoyances from me because of frustrations that surface and i immediately start talking of going "vanilla". Thankfully he is always there to save me from myself in those moments. I hope that you can save yourself from those thoughts as well and lean on your husband as he does seem a cut above the rest in at least willing to give it a try since he knows it is a need you have in life. So all i can say to you southern is i do hope it works out for you....it sounds like it would be a terrible thing to lose either your way of life or your husband....and there has to be a way to encorporate both. Afterall...the vows did read for better or worse.

I wish you the best of luck in life and everything that goes with it.

Sherie