Safewords

[RG_]

A bit late perhaps (not that I was reminded, or anything ~non-chalantly whistles), but here are my observations. I'll answer in general, and then perhaps comment a bit on some of Sarah's points about us in particular.

As a general rule, while I don't think that it should be mandatory that a safeword be in place I think that for people who are not in close relationships that a safeword be used. It provides a commonly known and accepted safety plug for people in an environment where judgment, maturity, skill, preferences, interpersonal skill and more vary a great deal. If for any reason things begin to get a little out of the ordinary and other signals or words don't work or aren't used for some reason, the safeword is a quick and easy red light to halt the action and get everything lined back up properly again.

I think that the safeword should be something very simple, very easy to remember, and something that when said in a stressful environment in which a lot of stuff may be going on, is easily recognized, even if stuttered, muffled, or is otherwise not clear. I think that if a Top for any reason even remotely thinks that a bottom might have used a safeword that he should stop immediately and check. It's entirely the Top's responsibility to ensure that a safeword has NOT been used, rather than the bottom's responsibility to make sure that she says it right or that he hears, etc. Read that again: entirely the Top's responsibility.

To help ensure that it's something that she can use when needed, I let the bottom choose the safeword. If she's not sure, then I suggest, as noted in another post above, the word "safeword" for the safeword. I've yet to have anyone say anything other than something like, "Hey, good idea! Yes, let's use that!"

Now, in an actual D/s DD (Dominant/submissive Domestic Discipline, for those who may be new to the world) relationship I think that for true discipline situations that a safeword should NOT be used, and I won't allow one. Sarah has already explained this reasoning very well, but it's essentially because when someone takes themselves to the point of discipline--true discipline--they take themselves entirely out of control of the situation. They get what they are gonna get, and it's not their place to decide. Now, also as Sarah notes, I think that must be done in the context of a relationship which is committed, caring, with a Top who both has the best interests of his sub in mind, and has control of his own emotions. If a Top has an anger problem to the extent that he is not in control of it, that he acts due to anger, and in which anger intensifies what he does, then he needs to step back entirely from the discipline realm until he gets those things under control. Lack of a safeword and the willingness to give up that level of control to the sub WHEN a Top is not in control of his anger, acts on it, and such, is a dangerous situation, indeed. I would recommend to any sub who has such a Top that if he is not actively willing to work with her on the issue, that she needs to consider breaking the D/s relationship until such time as he has self-control.