Terms Of Endearment

[BlackVelvet007]

Recently, while talking to a spankee, I used the phrase "Good Girl" when she told me something positive in her life (either an accomplishment or just something good that happened). I was called on the carpet for it because it sounded "condescending". This happened with more than one person, so I thought it'd make a good discussion topic.

I certainly never intended it to be derogatory or condescending. To me, it was a term of endearment being given to someone I care for a lot. But it made me realize that I do tend to use a lot of terms of endearment which could be considered in a negative view. I tend to address play partners as "sweetie" a lot. All of my play partners are intelligent, rational women who are just as smart, if not smarter, than I am. That doesn't stop me from using the terms I mentioned.

I think most of it comes from my interactions with my own family. Even at 37, my parents still address me with a lot of cutesy kiddie names. I just write it off under the thought that no matter HOW old you are (college graduation, marriage, kids of your own), you will ALWAYS be a young child in your parents' eyes. Those of you who have children of your own, and those of you whose parents are still with you in this world, I'm betting can relate to that.

So how about it folks? Tops, do you address spankees with similar terms of endearment? Does it sometimes garner negative feedback?
Spankees, your thoughts on this are most welcome.

[Batman]

Not only do I do this with spankees, I tend to do it with all female friends. It's just so natural to me because of the respect I have for women. It seems so strange that something that I use out of respect and love gets twisted by some into something demeaning. I'm curious to hear what the girls have to say on this subject.

[Arianna]

I am a very strong, confident, professional woman who enjoys the endearments (true Libra), not to mention the (HUGGGGS), and being called a "girl" as a form of endearment doesn't make me any less an adult "woman." Endearments (in the vanilla world) are often reserved for people who are very familiar with each other, but here at MSF, I've quickly learned that even new members are embraced in the circle or family very quickly (it has been a great experience).

I think it really has to do with each person's level of comfort (did the person grow up with parents who used them, did someone use endearments and then betray that person's trust, is this person/persons continually striving to be respected/recognized as an adult woman or an equal among men...too many scenarios to list). I can only speak for myself and "speculate" why others might have a different reaction.

There are too many other things for me to be disgruntled over...like, why do I ALWAYS get caught by the radar trap when I'm late for work and why were we not informed in Lamaze class about how to parent teenagers (labor was much easier and we would have had several year to prepare the this stage...I can do this, I can do this, I can do this)! I needed to vent...lol

One thing I've learned over the years...men are very simple creatures and don't over analyze, they just say and move on (they require just a few things in life to be content and happy...you know what I'm talking about ladies), we women are the complex creatures (coming home and saying things like, "I'm lonely", "you never talk to me", "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" - yes, count me in as guilty of all three at one time or another...lol

Personally, I enjoy the endearments...so keep it up...you keep me feeling young (at least at heart)!! Arianna

[newell.keith@yahoo.com]

yo bv engissh with stupid name here, if a girl willing to bend over wher you order her to and thats cndescending in its slf but v good fun lol, wy have a problem with my girl or my dear ? i 38 only 1 year older than you , !so as spankers what we meant to say ? i have to say this is only spank site im on and is is th most friend liest !

[sarah thorne]

In our community, these terms of endearment are "part" of it, I think. It seems very common for Tops to address bottoms playfully, or sweetly, as "sweetie" or "young lady" (ooooo shiver) or "girl" when they would NEVER do so to the odd acquaintance or passing stranger.

And even in the scene, if someone used the term "girl" with me, or "sweetie" in a way that WAS condescending, then I would be upset. I have seen this happen when a Top is rejected by a bottom for play, or he feels she has shown him up in some way, and it will be used to insult and try to intimidate rather than be said with affection.

Personally, I really, really like these affectionate terms, even from people I may not know well and both in a vanilla context and kink context. And nearly every bottom I have talked to enjoys these terms in kink related activities. There have been threads on multiple forums about which terms really send shivers up your spine, and "little girl" or "young lady" are the top contenders.

I am all for respect of limits. Even the most fundamental of feminists should be able to see that someone using the terms with affection (especially within our community where the T/b and D/s undertone is prevalent) do not meant to be insulting. And if one is insulted, or does not like it, then that's when you pull the person aside and say, "you know, I know you don't mean it in this way but I really find the term 'sweetie' offensive and condescending. Could you please not address me that way?"

The fact of the matter is, what one finds offensive, others will not. So it's important (I think) to communicate your own personal preferences to someone if they cross one of YOUR lines than to make a generalization and say, "You sound condescending when you call people 'sweetie'." Cuz the fact is, some DO like it.

sarah

[swfloridabrat]

I agree that most consider such terms as part of the scene. I had a Top refer to himself as "Daddy" with me, which made me uncomfortable. At the end of the scene, I asked him to please not call himself that in relation to me....no big deal (esp. since I know he mentors alot of women). Personally, if a Top calls me "young lady", I feel no reluctance in addressing him as "old man"....(tongue-or hand-firmly in/on cheek, of course)!

[raavyn]

It does seem that everyone views this issue differently. I personally absolutely love the endearments and the hugs. Besides this community, I also hang out in the biker community since we got back on the Harley, and they are the same way. I walk in and immediately get hugs and "how are you, sweetie" and the like. It makes me feel special, kinda ... not sure how to describe it. But then, I have a habit of referring to people (male and female) as 'honey', but not patronizingly.

One thing I do have to admit to ... "little one", "little girl", "young lady" and along those lines just give me shivers and i LOVE it, lol. And "good girl" just puts me in an "up" frame of mind for some reason (when its meant and not just played, lol). And occasionally, when the feeling was right, i have referred to a Top as Daddy (very very rare, lol).

I also go with Sarah on her point about communication. If you don't like being called by those terms, say something. 95% will respect your wishes, and the other 5% aren't worth your time. Smiley But please don't tell someone that what they are doing is wrong, because it might be more than right for someone else.



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[jerseysweet]

I have to be honest, when someone in a dominant role (top, spanker, Dom, whatever the term is that you prefer), who I do not know and have a friendship with, uses a term such as "sweetie" or "honey" I feel a little offended.

From people I know and care about, it's not an issue, but if someone I don't know where to come up to me and say "Hello young lady" I'd probably walk away or "You look like a naughty little girl". It's the same as you wouldn't go up and hug someone you didn't know. I think terms of endearment should be saved for people who you care about and who care about you.

My often often refers to me as: love, hon, sweetie, etc. When he introduces me to his friends he says "This is my girl _____" and I'm not offended. I am his girl. I am a girl, there are no two ways around that, but that doesn't mean I am not a woman. I am a girl, that is my gender although "My girl" is a term of endearment, in how he uses it. Or he also often introduces me as his "sweetie". These all make me smile and my eyelashes flutter and I feel very loved. If a stranger or someone that I just started talking to online started using these terms, I would not only be a tad offended, but a little creeped out.

While spanking me he often calls me "girl" - similar to "young lady" as in "Stop fidgeting girl" or "Feet down, girl" and it's just our form of "young lady" (which he uses as well).

At the same time I am very much a woman, and his partner, and I never feel insulted by these terms. There are also lots of close friends of mine who I don't mind when they use these terms.

Being told "Good girl" when I've done something good wouldn't be a bad thing, but if it was the common answer, I'd start to feel like a dog or other animal. My boyfriend often says "I'm proud of you" or "You make me proud" or something, although if he's spanking me and I do as I'm told he softly says "Now that's a good girl" or "Good girl"

On another note - I use terms of endearment as well. There are a few very close older female mentors in my life who I sometimes call my other mom and refer to as Mama sometimes. I often (90% of the time) refer to my boyfriend as daddy. Even outside of "scenes" I'll usually say "Thank you daddy" or to get his attention "daddy!" (if we're not around people). While being spanked it is either daddy or sir - although I often use sir more often than daddy unless I am feelin' little. And often I refer to him as my man or the boss. To each their own.

Very fascinating as everyone has a different take on it, just like spanking, because of personal preferences.

[aurora]

It's not just men who get in trouble for this. Happens to me occasionally, too.

I have a tendancy to call everyone "love", "hon", or something along those lines. Not strangers, of course. They mostly always get "Sir" or "Ma'am", especially in vanilla life situations. In D/s situations, I'm a "yes, Sir" girl. That only applies for MY Dom, or Tops/Doms whom have earned my respect, though... The others are likely to get a pet name or something akin to "love" and "hon".

It's NEVER meant as disrespect or insult, and never intended as condenscending. It's just an unconscious message of familiarity and affection when formal titles are inappropriate, or unexpected.

You're right, though. Some people do take offense to it. I've been called to task on it a few times. I'm always stunned, and a little hurt by the vehement reaction to my warm gesture. It's just because my head doesn't work that way, so I can't quite fathom it. I've just got to try and remember who takes offense so I can respect their opinion, and pray I don't step on any toes.

[Spankable Suzy]

I feel that endearments such as the ones BV mentioned are not only affectionate but also helpful in adding to the experience for me. It helps put me in a softly submissive space that is very comforting.

As the replies thus far seem to show, it really depends on the person involved but for me, the spanker/spankee connection would be lacking without this verbal additive.

Suzy