Hi Rose and a big welcome from little ole me...
I understand exactly where you are coming from with trying to hide the desire and then finally lurking on groups online...been there myself. It is great when you find a certain group of friends online though.
I came out of the lurker closet so to speak only about 3 years ago...i've never been happier. I have found wonderful friends thru forums just such as this one and this one in fact and have been lucky enough to even meet a few of the crazy characters on here. Trust me they are super nice - even the ones that call themselves Tops heheh
Sherie