wow! Great question!
I was one of those who, only several years ago, was terrified of the Internet. I was certain that everyone on the Internet was a predator of some sort, just waiting to get any sliver of information that they could obsessively hack over until they found out your address, workplace, childrens' schools, etc so that they could come wreak all kinds of horrible havoc on your life.
When I first joined the Internet discussion community, it was in a vanilla forum and I set up a list of personal guidelines for myself that I said I would always stick to, regardless of how trustworthy I thought someone might be. This was to protect me against any bad judgement - I had kids after all, who were to be protected at all costs!
My guidelines were pretty much as follows: I was NOT to give any personal information about myself, including first name, that could identify me. Not the city or state I lived in, not my first name, not my occupation, not
anything!
Because I would not reveal such things, I also did not ask these questions of people. This got me into a bit of a quandry at the beginning with one guy that I ended up chatting with regularly for about three years. He volunteered his own personal information after about 6 months of chatting, because he wanted to send me a Christmas present. I had given him my first name and the city and state I lived in, but that was it. I was tight lipped on the rest.
However, after getting involved on forums and realizing that there were people on there that were not simply faceless, nameless people, I started to rethink these things. I gave out my first name, and the state I lived in if asked. I realized there were people in our community who were 'regulars', had been consistent for years, and had also met amongst themselves. This led me to my first meeting of a group of vanilla chat friends - and subsequently, meeting one of the same people a year later as she passed through my town of dwelling on her way to meet someone.
Throw this into the spanking community. I became just as anal the first time I joined a spanking discussion board. It was an
adult board after all! I expected everyone there to be secretive, completely hiding who they were to protect themselves from the psycho-predators who slithered around these boards for a thrill. I was there simply for the stories at first - and even made up a few of my own "real life" stories to fit in with this fantasy, thinking there was never a snowball's chance in hell that I would
ever forge any kind of real relationships through
this kind of venue.
How wrong I was! And once I realized how wrong I was, I became real. I was me. I have met some of the most amazing real people, who have become steadfast friends.
I met my first spanker through a forum and we met r/l after over a year of speaking regularly thorugh email and phone. He did not become my partner, per se, but we played some. We remain friends even today.
I met RG through a forum too. The same one.
I have also met VERY good friends - real friends even in a vanilla sense - through these forums. Richard Windsor is one.
One of my BEST friends is a fellow moderator on another site, and with whom I have spent vanilla, family vacations with, visited with, and talk regularly about life with.
My advice for people? Take things slowly. There are a lot of people who so desperately want a partner who shares this kink and, out of that desperation, tend to rush into the first thing that seems promising. Almost everyone seems promising at first - but to truly get to know someone well enough to start to consider them a real partner, you must spend time and energy to get to know them on levels other than our shared activity.
Involve yourself in known forums. Many people who I know well in this community are members of various forums -- under the same names -- and we all see one another in different forums, being consistent and acting consistently with who they say they are. Many talk to one another privately, and in vanilla contexts. Watching this interaction can also clue you in to who is 'real' and who isn't. This is invaluable.
Pay attention to your gut instinct.
I know this was a longwinded post and not sure if it was the kind of answer you wanted. But there's my initial thought on your question.