Safewords
 

In the interest of discussion, I wanted to ask about safewords.

Do you have a specific word you use when playing?

Is it different when playing with an actual partner vs someone you don't know well? (Let me expand on this one more) -- with actual partners we may trust them to stretch our limits a bit farther than we would someone we don't know well, such as at a spanking party or someone we've only met a few times.

Also, do you have a safeword for play and discipline?
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I will answer my own question.

Altho I realize that this is probably against the norm, RG and I do not use/have a safeword. However, we are a r/l live-in DD/D/s couple and not partners who meet up primarily for spanking purposes. Altho some have alluded that it is foolish to NOT have a safeword, in our case, we have agreed to it for several reasons.

1) Because we are a live in, everyday r/l couple, RG knows my common reactions to a wide variety of things. He is actually incredibly attentive, noticing things about me that I thought were so subtle that NO ONE noticed. This carries over into our 'spanking' as well. He stops when he gets the sense that perhaps the way I am acting is not quite the norm.

2) To add to #1, in the rare occasion that I have had to stop a play session, all I've had to do is say 'Stop!' or 'something's wrong!' --- while 'stop' probably isn't a good word to use in urgency, RG has and does recognize the change in my voice when the matter is urgent. It tends to follow my body language. Sometimes it's been something as simple as my pulling on the cuffs so hard that my thumb has gone numb. When my arms have been tied above my head (as I lie on my back or belly) for a long period of time, they begin to ache and I will simply say so. If an implement has wrapped (not often this happens, but it has with the prison strap on occasion and, more oftent, with the tawse) I'll just yell out, "you're wrapping!' and he will adjust himself.

3) This may be controversial to some, but RG (and I grudgingly agree ;) ) does not believe that there should be a safeword in a true discipline situation. Therefore, if I am being disciplined for something (a rare occurence and which is a serious matter between us and NOT in any way play or desireable) then there is no 'stopping' it cuz it is going beyond my limits in ability to cope.

I'll let RG expand on this if he chooses (and I'll bet he will:D ) but the combination of knowing me the way he does, how I react, what those reactions mean, as well as being deliberately keenly aware in such a situation contributes to our decision to forgo a safeword and have the decision completely in his hands as to when I have been properly disciplined.

This does not mean that he will not and does not stop if I indicate to him that there is something seriously wrong besides the spanking being painful, as it is intended.

So there ya have it -- you'll find at times that I am quite a long winded person. :rolleyes:

sarah

The better you know someone, the less need there is for safe words. If you are acting out a scene with someone you are not very intimate with, safe words are absolutely essential. After all, we play in an environment where 'no' often means 'yes' and where 'please stop' usually means just the opposite.

I like to use 2 levels of safewords, a red light & a yellow light if you will. The yellow light is something that might actually be said in the context of the scene (mercy, perhaps). It means "I don't want to stop, but I need a break or change". The red light is something that would not be said as part of the scene (parsnips? rutabaga?). It means "You must stop right now!" & must be honored.

What you said makes perfect sense, sarah. My policy is to have a safeword (yellow/red) available when there is bondage. However, no one has ever had to safeword because I build in so many pauses and checks that the safeword ended up being a redundant backup. I've sooner released bonds (or just backed off on intensity) just becuase I detected that the sub needed it (or said so).

When there is no bondage (OTK spanking, for example), the opportunity for red/yellow is still there but is not as critical (if she gets up, that would be a clue she's had enough, and I've always stopped before that has ever happened).

You know, I know it's not the "right" way, but I just can't bring myself to use safewords. I've taken so much grief for it, and I do understand the point of them, honestly I do. Nonetheless, when someone starts talking about them, I immediately tune myself out. I just don't want that last thread of control. I can't feel as if I've actually submitted if I can impose my will at any point merely by speaking a word.

I tell myself that it's okay because I would never interact with a Dom I didn't trust completely. Of course, reality has shown that it's not always the case and I have gotten myself into a bad situation or two where I should've used one. It just doesn't matter, I still can't bring myself to do it.

I figure if it's a health or danger concern, then even in the throws of whatever is occuring, then I should just as easily be able to say "you're breaking my arm!" as I could try to remember that the safeword was "pineapple", or whatever. BUT, that's just me... I'm by no means suggesting other people should follow my lead.

Indeed! But I'll wait until I have more time and energy for an extended reply. ;)

Safeword ? Whats a safeword ? Lol, just kidding. I'm in agreement with Sarah and Aurora. I have never used a safeword. Sorry to sound repetitive, but for true discipline or motivation it would defeat the purpose if I got to call the shots and end my own discomfort. I also agree though that this decision has come with a huge amount of trust. I do believe that for some spankee's the idea of having a safeword is a bit of security. I just know that for me, once in that truly submissive state, safewords seem so foreign to me. Just my two pennies worth...

In the interest of wanting to play again, I've always left the OPTION for safewords open (with "yellow" and "red" being the most common). I'm usually empathic enough during a scene that they aren't needed, but the option for their use should be there.

When I've been in situations where a safeword has been in place, I've always used "safeword" as the safeword. I figure if they actually need to use it--has never happened--that it will be the easiest thing for them to think of.

I think safewords are a must in the getting-to-know-you phase ( it's a clear expression of the trust needed in such encounters) but, as has been mentioned above, partners who know each other well can perceive when things need to slow down or pause so safewords aren't as necessary then. I'm giggling a little at the idea of a woman over my lap stammering the word "pinapple" while I spank her! :)
Rafa

Thanks for the replies!

To be honest, I am actually surprised at the amount of people who agree with me! On other boards, there are those who stress that, regardless of who is involved in play, safewords are a MUST in case of emergency. Then they usually go on to state that any Top/Dom against one isn't really looking out for the bottom and go into a myriad of 'what if' scenarios that could chase someone away from ever playing again!

I've heard stories of Doms refusing to stop cuz the bottom didn't say the safeword just exactly right (i.e., they yelled "Pineapples" inside of "Pineapple") - but it is my opinion that these Doms were probably arrogant assholes to begin with....

I digress. :D

I am of the mentality of aurora -- I could yell out 'the cuffs are cutting into my wrists!' as easily, and probably easier, than remembering 'pineapple'.

I can tell you, that even when playing with someone who does not know me well, I have NO problem with letting them know in no uncertain terms that it's time to stop, if it is. (Of course, being a committed sub to RG, deciding when it's time to stop is not a luxury I have :mad: ) I don't need to say "pineapple" to get that across -- as a matter of fact, it seems that the ridiculous words some people use would psychologically give the impression to the bottom that IF you did indeed use the word when something was wrong, that it's somehow 'silly'. Does that make sense?

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In the argument FOR mandatory use of safewords in every situation regardless of how well you know someone, I have heard that sometimes in subspace or such that communicating to your Top that something is wrong would be hard and therefore a safeword will come in handy. I would actually think, that recalling a word unrelated to the situation (pineapple) and which you rarely utter even in an appropriate context, would be MUCH harder.

Am I beating a dead horse?

Which brings me to my next thought.....perhaps I will start another thread! :rolleyes:

sarah

A bit late perhaps (not that I was reminded, or anything ~non-chalantly whistles), but here are my observations. I'll answer in general, and then perhaps comment a bit on some of Sarah's points about us in particular.

As a general rule, while I don't think that it should be mandatory that a safeword be in place I think that for people who are not in close relationships that a safeword be used. It provides a commonly known and accepted safety plug for people in an environment where judgment, maturity, skill, preferences, interpersonal skill and more vary a great deal. If for any reason things begin to get a little out of the ordinary and other signals or words don't work or aren't used for some reason, the safeword is a quick and easy red light to halt the action and get everything lined back up properly again.

I think that the safeword should be something very simple, very easy to remember, and something that when said in a stressful environment in which a lot of stuff may be going on, is easily recognized, even if stuttered, muffled, or is otherwise not clear. I think that if a Top for any reason even remotely thinks that a bottom might have used a safeword that he should stop immediately and check. It's entirely the Top's responsibility to ensure that a safeword has NOT been used, rather than the bottom's responsibility to make sure that she says it right or that he hears, etc. Read that again: entirely the Top's responsibility.

To help ensure that it's something that she can use when needed, I let the bottom choose the safeword. If she's not sure, then I suggest, as noted in another post above, the word "safeword" for the safeword. I've yet to have anyone say anything other than something like, "Hey, good idea! Yes, let's use that!"

Now, in an actual D/s DD (Dominant/submissive Domestic Discipline, for those who may be new to the world) relationship I think that for true discipline situations that a safeword should NOT be used, and I won't allow one. Sarah has already explained this reasoning very well, but it's essentially because when someone takes themselves to the point of discipline--true discipline--they take themselves entirely out of control of the situation. They get what they are gonna get, and it's not their place to decide. Now, also as Sarah notes, I think that must be done in the context of a relationship which is committed, caring, with a Top who both has the best interests of his sub in mind, and has control of his own emotions. If a Top has an anger problem to the extent that he is not in control of it, that he acts due to anger, and in which anger intensifies what he does, then he needs to step back entirely from the discipline realm until he gets those things under control. Lack of a safeword and the willingness to give up that level of control to the sub WHEN a Top is not in control of his anger, acts on it, and such, is a dangerous situation, indeed. I would recommend to any sub who has such a Top that if he is not actively willing to work with her on the issue, that she needs to consider breaking the D/s relationship until such time as he has self-control.

i use "safeword" as my safeword, for the reason everyone already mentioned about trying to remember funny words.

my fiance wanted me to have a safeword long before we started exploring my submission because he was vanilla and it made him feel more comfortable to know that there was something clear to put a halt to things. and now that i am officially "owned," my owners still want me to use the safeword and they really use it as their main stop sign-- i.e., if my words or body language suggest that i'm frantic they may stop to check on me, but they won't really change what they're doing unless i use the safeword.

i would like to believe that eventually (we have been involved for about 6 months) the safeword will be more of an emergency thing because they will know me well enough to judge for themselves. but we try so many things that are new to me that i think they feel more confident in having a clear signal for when my limits have been stretched too far.

that said, i have used the safeword and then when we've stopped everything to discuss, the decision has been made to continue doing whatever it was that scared me enough to safeword. i say "scared" because i tend to use it more when my emotional limits have been pushed too far than my physical limits (even if my emotional limits are being pushed BECAUSE my physical limits are ALSO being pushed. does that make sense?).:)

Now this is an interesting perspective which, on reflection, I think might be more common than we think. I would guess that when the term "limit" is used, it is almost always thought of in physical terms. A level of pain or discomfort has been reached which is no longer bearable. But here persephone mentions emotional limits, and these are what actually cause her to act to use her safeword.

Really, it all makes much sense to me.

Have any of the other subs here reacted to emotional limits before physical limits before?

during play at parties ect.. yes if i felt something was going wrong i would safe word (red = stop/yellow=lighten up/green=gimmie more harder harder!!!).. as for w/ my partner there's just not a need for them.. i trust Him completely rather we're playing or He's Disciplining me..

When I've used a safeword, it's usually because I was hyperventilating and getting dizzy. But I think my emotions have gotten in the way at least once as well. There is always the possibility, say in a roleplay, that some subterranean memory will be jarred loose and necessitate pause, or even that one's feelings may get jilted in the midst of well-intentioned banter, as happened to me once (though I chose to go on rather than safewording, which may not have been the right decision).

I've been in a situation with someone who didn't respond to the safeword because I didn't say it right. I said "mercy" instead of "mercy Mister." I thought that was a dippy safeword anyhow, since the purpose of a safeword is to stop the scene, to go out-of-character if you will, and "Mister" is an in-character term. Does that make sense? Anyway, I've decided that I reserve the right to choose my own safeword, or at least be comfortable with the one that's put forth. I'm the one that has to be able to remember and use it. He's the one in charge of the scene, so he should have the wherewithal to recognize a safeword when it pops out and respond appropriately.

I understand how couples in relationships become so familiar with one another that they just know how to read each other's signals, and I think that's a good thing. In that case, or in the case where someone feels like having a safeword is retaining too much control, remember that if something's wrong, you can always just say so: I found that "I think I'm going to pass out" ends a scene very quickly. And even if discipline is taking place, there are certain things like the smell of smoke, a crying infant, or an asthma attack, which I would hope most people would agree are grounds for stopping.

i think any variation on "mercy" is kind of silly for a safeword (although i do understand what you mean about the "mister" part. that was dumb too). it reminds me of that childhood game where... goodness, what did the two kids do to each other? something painful, and you lost when you couldn't take it anymore and said "mercy." maybe this guy you were involved with always lost that game when he was a kid and needed some kind of activity to rebuild his self-esteem. :D

I think you stood facing one another, locking both of your hands with the other person's hands, then using all your strength to twist the other person's wrist(s) so hard that they cried 'Mercy!'

It was called -- well, Mercy. :cool:

sarah