Should I just give up this lifestyle?
 

Hi guys things were rough last night. See like I said in my ealier post I am the one who got Allen into this. And so far even though things have been up and down with our LDD relationship it still has been good. I mean his biggest problem really is being consistent but hes knew and still learning. But last night we got into an argument over it and he suggested maybe I find someone else to give me what I want. And that hurt, first of all no one else can. I married him. I don't want to be past along. I would rather just give this up which i think would be very hard to do cause these feelings just won't go away over night. Spanking and the submissive feelings I have are apart of me. He said he didn't really mean that but he has said it before. What should I do should I continue trying or should I give it up.

Wow. I hope someone else here can give some helpful advice but it would be sad to have to give up over some perceived inconsistencies on the part of someone who is sincerely trying (and a spouse, at that).

Maybe more patience and encouragement? Not to put it all on you, of course, but it takes two to make this work.

Best wishes and prayers for this to all work out.

Giving up this lifestyle would be like giving up breathing. i could never give it up. i think you should be persistent an encouraging to your hubby. Even Tops need encouragement and persistence from us bottoms from time to time (and They think They run tha show ;) ). Before i just dreamed an read an chatted about this lifestyle but since ive been living it there's no way i could ever give it up and im confident enough to tell you that you would be miserable without it as well. your Hubby's still new at it so just be patient and understanding with Him. i also cant stress enough how important communication is even if it steps on toes or hurts feelings. Good luck to you an your hubby..

emily

Yeah, what emily said. :)

Thanks it just gets discouraging at times. But we are going to try some more.

Dear Southern Sweetie…

I feel ya girl, I was married to a couple vanilla ladies before finding my beloved soul mate Veronica.

The main point is, you are who are, kink and all. While it is possible to bury this part of yourself for a period of time, you may find that your basic need for DD, D/s or whatever label you care to put on it, will always resurface. I can’t tell you how many times over the years I would pitch my spanking collection of tapes and magazines trying to suppress this part of me. You know what? I firmly believe you can’t… And I have stopped trying… We embrace the DD lifestyle, it works for us.

In case you haven’t heard of this book, have your husband read this…

When Someone You Love Is Kinky: By: Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt

In conclusion, try and keep the anger/depression out of this. Remember depression is just anger turned inward, (that’s what Veronica says anyway) while you both come to grips with the lifestyle, it is who you are, I am pleased to see that your husband is at least willing to try, some guys just can’t take their women in hand… funny it just comes so natural to me!

Best Wishes,

Dr. D.

Southern-

I am sorry to hear about your struggles...it always makes me a bit sad to hear stories like this. :( However, there is hopefulness in your story because your husband is willing to try! That is so much more than many couples can say!

In my family therapy practice over the years I would hear so many sad stories about partners who were absolutely un-willing to try any kink at all to help meet their partners needs...who would verbally abuse them on a regular basis about how sick their needs were, etc.

The fact that your husband is willing to listen and try is HUGE! Give him credit for that and be open to his feeelings and concerns as well. Relationships are a two way street, so be sure to give him time and space to say what he needs, too.

In regards to "giving up the lifestyle"....hmmmm. I actually do not consider it a lifestyle, I consider it an orientation much like your sexual orientation. If you were saying, "should I give up being heterosexual"? I would whole-heartedly tell you that was virtually impossible to do so and would cause you grave consequences to your body, mind, and psyche. I would say the same thing to you about trying to "give up the lifestyle". It is not really a lifestyle. A lifestyle is how someone chooses to live their life. Being a spanko is a physical and emotional orientation, a state of being in the world. It is a part of who you are like your sexuality is a part of who you are. It is part of what makes you tick. One cannot just give it up without very serious emotional consequences to themselves and the relationships they are in. You would end up resenting your husband for it in the long run and end up hating him for the fact that you gave up yourself to be OK with him. I have seen it a hundred times if I have seen it once! Dr. D mentioned it in his above note, and it is so true!

It is NEVER OK to give up yourself in order to be OK with another person.

My marriage ended over it. I tried to be vanilla and be what my ex wanted me to be to keep peace in our relationship, and we ended up more distant and more angry at each other for it. Vanilla is vanilla and rocky road is rocky road. You cannot change who you are inside; you can simply change how you to chose to accept it in yourself and whether you get what you need.

I support you in being honest with yourself and your husband about who you are and what you need. I support you in listening to his needs and feelings and finding common ground if you can. I support you in being true to yourself while trying to respect his needs as well.

I truly wish you both the very best and hope you find a way to share your needs together. :)

I am so grateful I found my true match, my pefect mate, Dr. D! I know there is someone out there for everyone! It took me a long time to find mine, but I am so glad I did! :) The wait was worth it! :p

While I feel bad for "southern sweetie's" plight, it's encouraging and heartwarming to know that people with this proclivity DO find each other and live happily ever after. It's also nice that the posts are more inclined toward saving the marriage by helping her husband adapt to what she needs, rather than encouraging divorce. It's a slow process that requires compromise from both spouses, but hope is still there for a better tomorrow.

RE: Should I just give up this lifestyle?
 

Southern Sweetie,

I am new here and this is my first attempt at joining in but I feel for ya!

I am the one who introduced my husband into spanking and at first he was very reluctant. I have to say we have been at it for about 6-7 years now and it still isn't where I want it but I take what I can get. Since there are kids in the house we rarely ever spoke of it openly but communicated through email a lot. I would send him links and stories and then sometimes I would just write what I was feeling and what I needed. I knew when I wrote it he may or may not take the inititive after that but I did my part. I would encourage him and even go as far to ask him and sometimes even beg in a tasteful manner.

I think when he saw that movie the secretary he realize it wasn't just a facination for me but more of a need. That is when things turned around for us more. Maybe you should tell your husband you understand his feelings because really you do right...you want him to do something he isn't accustomed to do just like you feel like he is wanting you to be something you are not. He is trying and we all say things in the heat of anger that we later regret.

If it were me...I would let things cool down a couple of days then I would write a letter to my husband explain you needs and ASK his needs. Maybe his needs are not being met and he is afraid to ask. Set a date...no kids around and just say look I told you what I needed and I want to know what you need from me. Talk about it...don't give up though.

That seems to work for us when I start to feel like I am not getting the attention I desire. I hope that helps.

happilyspanked
(when I get it)

Welcome aboard happilyspanked. Hope you enjoy the forum.

There are a lot of great comments and advice here. I have to agree that trying to give up a part of YOU isn't the answer. The combination of your willingness to be patient and encourageing to him and his willingness to give you what you need says a lot. Compromise instead of sacrifice in this case sounds like a win/win. Patience is probably the biggest challenge. I knew in that moment of my first adult spanking that I was hooked and there was no turning back for me. I can't even imagine my life without it now. I have withdrawels when I'm not getting what I need spanking wise or it becomes inconsistent. Maybe if he understands that you are not asking him to embrace the spanking world as a whole but that you are asking him to participate on occasion with just you, soley to meet your needs, it will not seem so overwhelming to him. Just my two pennies worth. Best of luck, don't give up.

While I'm not seeking discipline, I too have a vanilla husband (he's from Quebec so I call him a French Vanilla ;)) who seems to think I'm a little off my rocker. And actually, I have a disorder [OCD] which can easily stand in as a scapegoat for my kinky leanings. I had to convince hubby that I did not need to be cured of my bottom-ism; like Dr. D, I also tried to literally and figuratively throw away my desires, only to have it hit me like a tornado later on.

The mission took a different turn when I began to see hubby's own subby side emerging as I opened up to him, which is sort of touching but sort of frustrating at the same time. That's not quite the direction I was hoping for things to go!

I'm very grateful that he was open, after much discussion, to letting me explore this on my own and seek out others like myself. I know that a lot of partners are not able to be comfortable with that. I know how lucky I am.

As hubby and I are both in a line of work which involves a lot of behavioral management, I've sort of taken this mental turn from wishing he were a top, to working on desensitizing and conditioning him to come along with me on this ride, and in turn making a conscious effort to be attentive to his needs as well. THIS is very important! Even a DD relationship is a two-way street; Doms have needs, too. It's maybe not Dommy to admit it, but there are reasons why they seek out these relationships. There are personality aspects at work which are directing these leanings.

Your husband isn't a natural, so you'll have to be patient in finding ways to compromise and encourage him as you walk together on this journey. It's hard to be patient, especially when emotions are so involved in the mix.

Adding my two cents here too. I fell for a vanilla guy soon after i realized how much spanking meant to me....I brought it up as something I liked to do during our sex to kind of feel him out, to see if he even enjoyed it.....he did....he liked the "power" it gave him.....about 3-4 months after that I wrote him about submission and dominanace.....very general feelings about how I thought our relationship would work with him being "the man in charge"....he found that writing interesting......again, later I wrote him about my need to be spanked to help me refocus and to bring a constructive way for us to deal with disagreeements.....He let it ride for awhile, and I didn't say anymore....then one day it just happened....I got lippy and he got toppy....and we were off and running.

But it was still difficult for him for awhile.....wasn't he hurting me? He didn't like the marks he left...He felt "evil" sometimes...but we continued to talk about it, continued to incorporate it into our sex life (ie playing Master/slave) and eventually we developed our "own rules" about what was a D/s relationship. I am happy to say that when he died we had the "perfect" D/s relationship, spanking and all......

Don't give up....go slow, write your thoughts, let them sink in and be true to him and yourself....If you're interested, I would be willing to share some of my letters with you offline.

Nightowwwww

I can definitely relate to your post. I am a male sub. I have been married to my wife for 18 years. We have been together for 22 years. I became aware of my fascination with being spanked at a very early age. My wife was the first person I had ever told of it. Until very recently, she was the only person I had ever told. I told her very early in our relationship, long before we were married. She giggled at first, but then did try to fullfil my spanking desires despite the fact that she was not into it. She tried many times over the next 22 years. I think that says a lot about who she is and what my hapiness means to her. Unfortunatly her attempts just never worked for me. It definitely didn't work for her. Eventually I had pretty much given up on it. We have an uncommonly open, honest and caring relationship. There was no way I was going to give that up for spanking, so I figured I would just give up the idea of being spanked. The only problem was my need to be spanked didn't go away, not in the slightest. We talked about it and agreed that maybe I should get my spanking outside our marriage. That was a few months ago and when I began posting to this and other message boards. I never did find anyone to play with. Anyway, this weekend my wife brought up the idea of her spanking me. I am not sure where this came from. She had NEVER initiated it herself before. This time she really listed to me when I explained to her what I needed. I even gave her a few prompts along the way, which she followed. I think my participation on these message boards helped me to better understand it myself, thus helping me to communicate it to her more effectivly. To make a long story not too much longer, this weekend I got a spanking like I have never had before! I never had been really spanked before this weekend. Our attempts always got derailed before any real spanking happened. The best part is that my wife enjoyed it too. She had never responded to it before, because I had never really responded. Both our excitement levels just fed off each other. Now we are BOTH looking forward to playing again next weekend. A spanko couple has been born!

I really don't have any advice other than what you can pick out on your own from my story. I just wanted to let you know that there is hope.

Take care.

I wish i had as eloquent of words and thoughts as most of the posters here, but unfortunately that just isn't me. I can however speak from my own feelings and heart. I am still looking for the pot of gold shall we say in all of this "lifestyle" "way of life" "orientation" or what ever else you may call it. I am still fairly new though and do have a great guy that is willing to put up with some down right annoyances from me because of frustrations that surface and i immediately start talking of going "vanilla". Thankfully he is always there to save me from myself in those moments. I hope that you can save yourself from those thoughts as well and lean on your husband as he does seem a cut above the rest in at least willing to give it a try since he knows it is a need you have in life. So all i can say to you southern is i do hope it works out for you....it sounds like it would be a terrible thing to lose either your way of life or your husband....and there has to be a way to encorporate both. Afterall...the vows did read for better or worse.

I wish you the best of luck in life and everything that goes with it.

Sherie