I Don't Want To!!
 

I plan to expand on this in my blog from a sub perspective, but here is the question......

For bottoms/subs:

APART from the agreed upon undesirables in a relationship (like a real punishment), or the dynamic of a relationship that states that one will submit solely for the pleasure of the authoritarian (like M/s), has anyone ever had a resolute “I Don’t Want To” moment with something that, in the right frame of mind, you would actually like and enjoy quite a bit?

Has there ever been a time where you didn’t want to (I mean, *really* didn’t want to) get spanked, or submit to any other type of “play” that you normally enjoy, but did anyway due to the context of your submissiveness?


For Tops/Doms:

Have you ever given a spanking, or played in any other D/s type fashion, when you really weren't in the frame of mind to do it? Was it to maintain consistency? To satisfy your mate?

Just curious. :)

sarah

Tape.... "I don't want to!"
 

My Sir ordered me to tape my pussy lips together. Normally I would be fine with this, but I was just plain out, not liking the idea. But as you said due to my subbie ways I folded, and tape my lips and ass together for my master. I felt ashamed, and a little confused for having such a " I don't want to!" moment.

Define "frame of mind for doing this".

I don't know any male top who will say there was a time when he said to himself "Aw, man, I have to do this NOW?? Crud, I am just NOT in the mood to spank her right now...."

Seriously, though, I'm sure it does happen, but every scene I've ever initiated has been because I seriously wanted to spank someone. And on the rare occasions when a spankee has come to ME to initiate a scene, I've considered it a big honor that I was asked.

BV,

I suppose when one does not have the opportunity everyday, basically, to spank their g/f or wife or casual spanko friend who happens to live nearby then most would jump at the chance of spanking someone. :)

I guess, since I have a live-in relationship with RG, that my perspective is from an everyday lifestyle thing and not from a "scene" spanking. I have indeed heard of Tops/Doms who either live in with their spankee, or have a relationship where geography allows the maintenance of a fairly normal physical togetherness, who have said they aren't always in the "frame of mind" to spank at the moment it may be needed (like in a discipline spanking).

I guess not being in the "frame of mind for doing this" would be things like, having a very stressful time at work, or other real life issues that sometimes can cause the spanking part of our lives to take a back seat.

Although my post is not really focusing on things such as discipline for the subs, it could perhaps be a factor for the Doms/Tops since consistency would be a very important thing to maintain. Several times in the past, for instance, RG has come home from work and been totally and completely exhausted by whatever has been going on there and didn't have the energy to "deal" at the moment with an infraction of mine. There was another time when I had broken a rule while he was on an overseas business trip and was not in then "frame of mind" for doling out a discipline spanking to me upon arriving home for two reason: 1) because he was happy to see me and wanted to spend the day after arrival on pleasant matters and 2) he was again exhausted from an arduous trip and jet lag.

But, he did it even tho he wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind" at the moment.

Clearer now? :D

sarah

ps the expansion of this particular musing is now posted on www.zedginger.blogspot.com :D

normal problem
 

Ok Isn't this pretty much the same thing as answering a partner who wants sex with "Not tonight I have a headache"?

I am not an expert in this area at all but I will add my two cents. I was visiting a spanko friend and staying with him for a few days. We had some great play times but nothing too severe. He Loves caning and for some reason by the second to last day before the trip ended we still hadn't done any.

So i asked him why and his response was "I just like being close to you and for some reason I just don't want to hurt you". Well that's all well and good but I wanted some intense play.

Later he went down to get some work done. When He came back up I was in a full naughty school girl uniform bent over a desk......

Needless to say what he wasn't in the mood for an hour earlier he was now in the mood for.

Sometimes I think the biggest part is helping your partner whether you're the one to psyche yourself up to do something you're asked or whether you're the one who helps your partner get in the right mindset.'

My 2 cents,
Kaylex

Wow!! I can't imagine asking a spankee to do that.

First, to Kaylex:
That would perhaps be true if it's a play context. I think the question is more relevant to discipline situations. Say, a sub comes home with a speeding ticket feeling that dread, and then nothing happens cuz he's not in the mood to enforce a rule about reckless driving.

As someone who's worked in behavioral management (among other tasks) for nearly 12 years, I can attest that consistency is vital to achieving a positive result.

This is why I have a sort of awe of Doms who live with their subs... it's really a fulltime, 24/7 commitment, and you have to be really vested in it to do it right. It's also the reason why I wouldn't be a good candidate for that type of relationship, because my mental space can be so variable that I wouldn't respond consistently. BV tried to call me on something once when I was in the wrong space and I had a frickin panic attack. It wasn't pretty.

I suppose if the Dom is really in charge, then he could have the authority to also say that he chooses when to address a problem. Perhaps a compromise could be to say he can't do it now, but we'll talk Tomorrow, or in two days' time at noon, something like that. Give both parties time to adjust and get into the right frame of mind.

adelina, you didn't answer the question yourself! ;)

Actually, maybe you kinda did.

As for Kaylex's answer, I think her kind of answer would qualify. I was differentiating between discipline with the subs/bottoms because I think that with those who practice discipline, most (if not every) punishment would be an "I don't want to!" moment. I know with me, it is! I am not "in the mood" EVER to be truly disciplined.

With the Doms/Tops it might be different. Altho, by the same reasoning I guess it could be said that most of them do not really ever "want" to dole out a true discipline spanking either.

Here is the excerpt from my blog for those who may not have read it, to better illustrate what had gotten this muse started, altho it was something that I normally would like to have been doing. I guess you can turn this scenario around, if a Top has had a bad day or tiresome day at work and just doesn't feel like tying his sub up and dragging out the implements for hours of D/s play when all he wants to do is go to bed. Y'know? :)

(*Zed is RG) :eek:
***********************

Well, apparently on this particular night, Zed was in the mood for some hanky-spanky. When it came time to go to bed (and therefore get amorous), he got into his forceful mode. Giving me commands and such. When I removed my clothing, he sat on the bed and I kinda backed away and said, “No, I don’t want that.”

And I meant it.

...............I am not certain if he realized I was serious or doing the normal playful “no-no-no” when it means “yes-yes-yes”. In any case, he took my arm and started to pull me over his knee as he sat on the bed.

................So over I went. I uttered another weak protest, but he paid me no mind and began to smack my bottom with his hand. I could very easily tell that he was not slapping very hard, but it stung pretty badly nonetheless. I can only attribute it to............... or perhaps it was the phenomenon that happens when your mentality is not wrapped around what’s going on, and you lack the frame of mind to endure it like you normally do. I tried to grit my teeth and bear it, telling myself that it probably wouldn’t last long and would be over with soon.

But, since it was stinging much more than it normally seems to, I started wiggling sincerely and saying, “I don’t want to do this.”

Zed stopped spanking me. “What?” he asked as if he hadn’t heard me. He probably hadn’t since I was talking so low and not in an assertive voice.

“I – I don’t want to be spanked.”

He paused a moment, then said, “It’s not up to you, is it?”


.........................So, despite the sting in my backside, I answered Zed’s question with a, “No.”

“Who decides when this bottom gets spanked?” he asked me.

“You.”

“It’s not you, is it?”

“No.”

“What??”

And I said it willingly, with the realization fresh. “No, Sir.”

With that, he resumed smacking. And I endured it as was required. It still stung. I still didn’t like it at all. I even almost wished that I hadn’t asked for sex if this is what needed to be done to get there. But I also remained peaceful that according to the gift of submission that I had given to him, for the one who does so much for me and rarely asks much in return, that it was perfectly well within his right to take what was pleasing to him.
****************************************

oh, and Batman.....have you EVER not been in the mood at the moment to do the same kind of play when dotty was?

sarah

Sarah,
I guess I didn't answer the question, sorry! I'm not a submissive, so I didn't think the question itself really applied to me. If I don't feel like something, I just say so and that's the end of it. Sooo, maybe I shouldn't have popped into this thread at all! Too late now.

Even if I was in a full-time kink relationship, I'd still retain the right to say no to play when I'm not in the mood for it, which is why I don't identify myself as a submissive. It is imperative to me to have the final word on what goes on in my life. I have a number of toppy friends and my own top who are invaluable resources for me when I need advice or a sounding board to vent... but I'm the one who ultimately decides what I will do about things.

I've definitely had times I'm not in the mood to play, or discuss spanking online, or do anything involving it... so I don't. Being an object for a Dom's use whenever he wants isn't something that appeals to me outside of a scene.

I can attest that I've had sex when I was not in the mood, because I'm never in the mood, so if that was my basis for saying no, my poor hubby would never get any. That wouldn't be fair! I just go with it and do my wifely duty.

No means no...
 

I had a guy try doing spanking stuff I frankly didn't want to do.

He was going to far and was being un-safe. It got to the point when I repeatedly said no and had to actually push myself away pushing against him hurting him.

He was pissed and then upset. I don't care. I like people who are in complete control. But I think it's important to find someone who knows your limits. And is safe. Also someone who knows exactly what you want and won't leave you with doupts. Then again maybe there is no such ideal partner we all screw up once in a while. So thats what happens anyway. If I say no guys I mean it.

Do you think a safeword might have helped here?
I am right on board with no-means-no, but since a lot of subs say no when they mean yes, as part of the 'game' or even real reluctance to go through with a punishment, safewords can help clear up that kind of confusion. Not saying this dude wasn't wrong, but I think it's this kind of situation that safewords were created for. They're not just for physical reasons, but psychological or emotional as well.

Well I do agree that safe words are important. As much as I hate using them. I don't honestly think a safe word would have helped I made it very clear I didn't want it and got out of the mood on a few occasions to talk to him about it before hand. I think some people just won't listen, Even to safe words.

But in anycase laying down a safe word before hand in future would be a good idea thanks for the surgestion.

Not really. We've had some occasions where I haven't known what she was after at a particular time, but, I can't say that I wouldn't have been in the mood to deliver. Misreading a signal is quite different than being unwilling to do something.

It occurred to me, this question actually IS relevant to me... just not in the way I thought it would be. Something sarah_thorne said to me finally clicked into place.

It's not my kink though, but my husband's, that fits here. He likes being tied and blindfolded for mild CBT, and I am really, wholely, entirely disinterested. I have nothing against it, no qualms or ick factor at all. I just have no draw whatsoever to being the top. BUT, since he's my hubby and I love 'im, I do it on the admittedly sparse occasions that he asks, because I know he loves it and it helps him sleep when he's stressed out.

Oh yes! I definitely have the same outlook as you when it comes to discussing through a cyber venue or "playing", so to speak with people whom I have no real vested relationship.

And being an object for a Dom's use is not something that appeals to me either, and I think I excluded that "kind" of relationship, which I would akin to something like a M/s relationship where it seems the whole dynamic centers around the objectification of the slave. And even many of them do not do it outside of a "scene" - unless they live it, I guess.

I think kaylex's analogy to "having a headache" was kinda dead on. And, in some instances, even the headache sufferer goes ahead and performs the act that they would normally enjoy, out of choosing to do so for their s/o. And, sometimes, their s/o may be oblivious to their "true" feelings on the matter at the time. Kinda like, in my instance, I don't think RG *really* knew I didn't wanna do something that I normally do. And so I chose to submit to it -- for him. :)

So, I guess maybe that's the kind of "did you ever do it when you didn't wanna?" that I was asking about rather than something like, "did you do something you didn't like cuz you felt pressured?" - kinda like in Kyra's situation. :)

sarah

I'm both a top and a bottom. As a top, there was a time where i was spanking someone, but i just was really tired, and i didn't want to make a butt red.

As a bum myself, I remember getting almost thrown across someone's knee, and I knew I was going to REALLY get it. I always enjoyed getting paddled, belted, and getting done with the hand. I always liked it on the bare, too, but i really wasn't in the mood.

Ah, this adds a different angle. I guess from reading, I assumed RG was clear that you didn't want to, but did so anyway just to assert authority. That, to me, would be using you as an object for his own purposes. Nothing wrong with that, mind you, but it's how the scene appeared to me.

In RG's words, he did imply that he could spank whenever he wanted, that the decision was his... so what -is- the difference between that, and M/s? (Not being snippy here, I do actually want to know.)

Hi adelina. That's a good question - especially from someone like you who I know tries hard to understand the whole submission thing in general.

M/s is really just a more extreme version of D/s, I think. Both have the same underlying elements. However, I think objectification of the sub/slave is more prevalent in M/s as both partners get their jollies from that. Also, I think "slaves" tend to be more subject to their Master's pleasure, and are subjected to more extreme sides of discipline and bondage --- well, just BDSM in general.

As for RG's comment about the "decision being [his]." For starters, in actual discipline I have no choice but to comply regardless of whether I want to or not, and I have chosen this. The premise is that that it's good for me. At the exact moment I may not think so, but the whole DD thing does indeed (another thread! lol) keep me grounded and feeling "cared for" and accountable. Of course, along with that comes the trust and communication as to what requires "discipline" and "control", for if I was being disciplined unjustly continuously, things wouldn't last long!

The assertion of dominance in play, however, is something that is very erotic. The whole illusion of non consensual, of having no choice or being unable to get away plays a part -- when, in reality, of course "play" can be stopped if I truly do not want to do it.

And, despite this dominant role RG has in our relationship, he also loves me and cares about me and is considerate of how I feel. Just like he would never force sex on me if I truly didn't want it and use me for his purpose only despite what I wanted, he would never force me down to spank me just for his pleasure if he knew that I really, *really* did not want to play.

The protest I was making is normally part of our playful banter, so he had no real reason to suspect that I was NOT in the mood. I chose to submit after the weak protests did no good of my own volition, as an exercise of submission. What *he* said in regards to being able to do it when he wants, is also part of our banter. Kind of "this bottom belongs to me". I could have pushed myself up and said assertively, "I *really* don't want to do this. Forget sex. I'm just going to bed."

Believe me. he woulda got the message then -- AND he woulda respected the message. You've met RG. You know he's really just a big teddy bear! ;)

sarah