"Not Now Maybe Later"
 

I may catch some hell for this one, but this is just something I HAVE to get out of my system BEFORE I attend TASSP in 3 days, 21 hours :D

When I attended Shadowlane parties, I would occasionally inquire about a scene with a potential play partner only to be told "Not now, but Maybe Later." At the time, I was naive enough to take this at face value, such that when I ran into the same person a few hours later, I would inquire again.
This was usually met with " Oh, I just played, but Maybe Later.".

It took about three parties before someone pointed out that "When a girl says 'Not Now but Maybe Later', she's politely trying to tell you 'Not in a million years under ANY circumstances'". By that time, I had developed this nasty reputation of being a "relentless" person who "never takes NO for an answer". That's simply not true. I DO take NO for an answer. I just don't take "Maybe Later" as a "NO".

Ladies, being a spankee and/or being a submissive (and yes, there's a BIG difference between the two :) ) does NOT mean that you have no backbone.
Sure, rejection hurts, but the short sharp pain of rejection is nothing compared to being strung along under false hopes for 3 or 4 days.
And it's REALLY nothing compared to the agony that a tarnished reputation carries with it.

So when you're confronted with someone that you just don't want to play with.....just say "NO".

Ok, now that I have that out of my system, I can party with folks I know :)

Well, I hope you receive "Yes, I would love to" each and every time. I can't wait to hear about all the fun that was had! This party sounds like so much fun - a real exciting experience!

I usually make it a point that if I get a second "no" for any reason, I figure she just doesn't want to play with me. I won't ask a third time.

However, there HAVE been instances when the lady in question bratted me after the second "no," and got her spanking anyway.

You definitely do not deserve a reputation as a guy who doesn't take "no" for an answer when you haven't been told "no" yet. I have heard from other guys who have had this same complaint.

On the other hand, I am sympathetic with the ladies who don't want to hurt the Top's feelings. this might be a good thread. Bottoms, how can you let a nice Top down without hurting his or her feelings?

Paul (Tubaman)

:D Haven't met one yet that I felt like turning down, but that's just me.

Well, i can't imagine anyone saying no to BV ... but since i can't be there, i want pictures, ya'all ... LOTS and LOTS of pictures.

:)

"Not now, but maybe later" really can mean, later.

If someone doesn't want to play with you, then they say "Maybe later" all of the other times you ask them, then they don't want to.

This requires some brain power - look at a person when they are giving their reply, watch how they move, their facial expression, how they say it, and are they looking beyond you when they say maybe later?

It's important to be able to not only verbally communicate but read peoples physical reactions to you.

ie. if someone cringes when you come near them and ask them to play, and they say "Not now, maybe later" I wouldn't ask again.

I guess I am just overly used to creeps approaching me at parties/clubs and even if I tell them no thank you, they come up after they've witnessed me playing and say "Put you played with him" and then you're like "Because he isn't a creep". It's tough to be the keeper of the key so to speak.

But women get turned down as well. Not as often, but it happens. Everyone gets rejected at some point. Cut your loses and move on.

This is easy to say, and I think it can be hard to believe that there are people out there who process and think in such concrete terms that when someone says something like "maybe later", then they believe that's what is meant. There are people who really can not grasp social cues and gauge people's physical reactions.

For these same people who process this way, being direct (even when most people might read more into it than is there) is in no way taken as an affront, but what it means - which is "no". (Or "yes")

It seems to me the simple answer would be to simply say what you mean, then no one is confused.

After having a child with Autism, I am more able to realize that some people who may not "get it" when most people will, are not necessarily evil stalkers or stupid or creepy ---- they simply are more concrete and literal than most. (and yes, okay, some ARE creepy)

So it just doesn't take "brainpower" for those asking --- it takes acceptance and understanding from those responding so they are as clear about their own intentions as they want to be.

BV, I plan full well to play with you if you'll have me. Know that ahead of time.

sarah

Well, this may be no help, but I just think saying, "Sorry, but I already have a play partner." Or, "Sorry, but my partner and I have discussed ahead of time who we will be playing with."

If someone doesn't know you anyway, this should not be a problem.

I am in agreement with BV. It's hard to say "No" --- but I think that is the best way. It doesn't have to be mean. Phrase it any way you want (see above) but don't leave a question about what your answer is. If you really do want to think about it, say so. Then say, "But if I change my mind, I will seek you out, okay?" THAT way, he doesn't have to keep coming back cuz you said, "Maybe later."

Spankees are responsible for deciding who spanks them and who does not and most people attending parties are aware that not everyone is an open invitation.

So say no. Then move on. It's a spankee's right and everyone, even the spankers, know it.

sarah

Sarah said......It seems to me the simple answer would be to simply say what you mean, then no one is confused."



I totally agree with the above statement Sarah made. Submissive, Spankee, Switch or otherwise, just say what you mean and don't expect others to read your mind.

I also agree that I will be happy to play with BV anytime I can :)

Can't wait.. only 4 more days to go!

Suzy

Depends on the person. For me, there's a huge chance that that sort of answer would actually just mean "maybe later" and that I was too chicken and hadn't worked up the nerve to do it yet.

Sometimes I need to be cajoled carefully into things even when I really want to do them. That's when it helps if the person asking you already knows you. It also probably helps if you are more comfortable in the real life scene than I am.

Of course if some complete stranger was hounding me every five minutes, the no would definitely mean no, but I'd also tend to be on the lookout for the person and run in the opposite direction whenever I saw him.

I so suck at just saying "no, go away".

I've just been speaking to my boyfriend about this right now and he offers a very wise bit of knowledge. He's said:

It's a dominant mans responsibility (or woman, but we're speaking about men amongst ourselves right now) to use tact and good judgment when approaching a female spankee who may have absolutely no interest in them what so ever, and to know that she has no responsibilities to him whatsoever. In the same way that it's important that any dominant man is aware that just as he is not entitled to have anyone else play with him, similarly, he is not entitled to put any spankee in a position in which she may feel forced to be more forthright than she is comfortable being.

I feel I have a very intelligent boyfriend. He's got a lot of life experience under his belt and has some very intelligent parents as well.

I do think this is important, that just because a man is dominant doesn't give him rights to anything or anyone. Including the right to a response from a woman who does not know you, etc.

This sounds harsh, but I have to agree with him. Especially with how I've been treated at Paddles and smaller parties. I've only been to one large regional party and everything was excellent, so I have no doubt that the same or similar would be true for a TASSP or FMS party.

Just his 2 cents, sent via me and the interwebs :)

I'm sorry jersey, but I disagree with you and your boyfriend. A man, dominant or not, has the responsibility to use tact sure --- but it is the responsibility of the one who is being asked to make clear their answer is no if they have no intention to play with anyone. Yes, as a bottom/submissive, you do have that responsibility. Especially in a social situation such as a spanking party/club where asking is expected to happen. It's true that they are not entitled to play with you, but no one is a mind reader, as Suzy said. We are not talking about a stranger approaching you on the street.

Bottom's DO have a responsibility -- that is to say "NO" if they mean it. That's like not using your safeword and then crying afterward and saying, "He went beyond my limits and is a horrible person!" Yes a dominant has responsibilities but ultimately we are ALL responsible for ourselves.

To be honest, I don't believe that someone who has not worked out a good way to make their answer of "NO" clear to unwanted requests at parties such as the kinds we go to, have no business going until they can do so. It can cause a lot of problems and misunderstandings when clarity would take care of the issue.

sarah

Jersey - I've read your response and it sounds like you have been to a few parties. It is wonderful that you think so highly of your boyfriend (and his parents) - he must be a wonderful man and from a close family. If I'm reading your comment correctly, you have been to more than a couple of parties and have had similar experiences (having difficulty with the "no thanks" factor). Since you seem to really value your boyfriend's opinion, I wonder if you could approach him and ask for his help on how to handle the situation when it arises. I'm sure between the two of you, you will be able to come up with some very polite, but more direct responses that will ensure you have a more relaxing and enjoyable time and the person asking gets a clearer message of what you are comfortable with.

I think Sarah is right on target. I highly value my husband's opinion and always take it into consideration (he also has more life experience), as you should with your boyfriend, but that doesn't mean you don't have a voice in your life. I hope your next experience is more enjoyable and if you are faced with a similar situation, I'm sure you will be ready with a more direct response (while sharing a warm smile with the person). It can be done - practice makes perfect. : )

That's a good idea Arianna. I actually think Sarah's answer of "We've already discussed who we're playing with this party" is an excellent idea. I think it's concrete and allows for the possibility of a new play partner if the choice arises, etc.

I do have a voice, not only in my life but in our relationship. As from him being the top and me being the spankee, we are 100% equal in every other way. I was simply talking to him about his opinion, and since he doesn't post here I thought I'd share another view, that I happen to think isn't a bad one.

Later on we were discussing the responses to it and realized that it wasn't clear that while *we* spoke of male dominants and female bottoms/submissives/spankees, we do feel it applies to all who identify as tops and bottoms no matter what their orientation.

Kate

Whoa this has just gotten too deep for me....BV, there's 400 women at these things..have a Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi and grab a different one!

Paully, I like the way you think.

Considering that you play with sooooo many woman at the party, Paully.

:P

Hmmmm...if you will re-read Emmy (perhaps slower this time) you will note we are not talking about me.

I have said "maybe later" when I mean it...the timing is sometimes off (too sore from a previous session or promised to play with another soon). But-if it is someone I have no intention of playing with, I just say "no, thank you" leaving no room for cajoling or negotiating. Sometimes when I say "maybe later" it is so I can seek the advice of other bottoms or play partners, but I always try to make it a point to tell the Top (politely) that I would or would not like to play...I think it is unfair to garner a reputation like BV's just for showing enthusiasm for our common interest!

I am a very concrete person, so much so that I sometimes wonder whether I teeter on the edge of the autistic spectrum. I've had to actually train myself to look at people while conversing with them. I've gotten awfully good at reading people... but it is so, so much easier when people just say what they mean. It isn't fair to expect people to read coyness and dishonesty, and this is especially true in a party setting where there is so much noise and distraction. It is not rude to say no. It is not rude to say maybe if that is what you mean. It is, however, rude and disrespectful to say "maybe" if you actually do mean no. People deserve more respect than that.

BV is my dear friend and the most fabulous top and so good to me. It pains me to know what he's been through just because others cannot bring themselves to be honest. I would like to say more about it, but BV doesn't like me using that kind of language, so I shall stop here.