I would have to agree with your comments about the harshness and scolding - combined with the prescribed discipline - as being the key MH. It appears that the most common mistake made is that many spankers feel that by merely increasing the vigor, intensity or number of strokes the crying/release will be brought about. Perhaps this does work on some but I feel it is more a combination of the total setting and session. I know a woman that will break down at hearing she will get the hairbrush ( no doubt due to the fact that it used for discipline only and not play) I once brought a young lady to tears with nothing more than 12 sharp strokes of the cane. Another lady braved very well a severe paddling only to lose her composure and break down upon being sent to the corner.

Gary D.

yes, exactly, i think that a really physically difficult punishment, for a lot of people including me, gets you focused on getting through it. there has to be an emotional component for tears to be activated.

adelina, i don't think that you're alone. i like the idea of crying too, maybe even bawling over a lap. i don't know if i'd want someone to tell me that that's what their plan is... that sounds a bit scary to me. but knowing that they would get something out of it if i did cry, like darkforest mentioned, is nice. i think it indicates that the experience is something they take seriously, and that they are interested in your authentic reactions, and that they are looking for an intense and immersive experience.

Adelina, I'm just wondering, and just tell me to mind my own beeswax if you may- Do you choose to not be spanked for discipline or has it just not happened as of yet ? I know everyone has their own spanking desires here and for some that means spanking only for pleasure, while others like myself need both kinds. Ok all, a confession :rolleyes: I do need to feel like someone gives a flip about my staying in line so to speak, lol. Anyway, if this is a choice that you don't do discipline spankings, is it because of the vulnerability issue as Sarah has mentioned ? Or does the whole idea of being submisive in that way turn you off ? Inquiring minds wanna know.

Excellent question! Thanks for asking.

I am entirely uninterested in discipline, Amber. It never crossed my mind in the decades I was growing up and fantasizing about spanking; it was always about excitement, thrill, and, as I got older, sex. I actually have quite good problem-solving skills and a knack for self-reflection. Though it takes me time to work through all my mental cogs and gears and figure things out, I find that much more satisfying than simply having someone tell me the solution. That makes me feel constricted, rather than secure. If I am in bad space, in a "down" as a result of my challenging anxiety disorder, I feel much more comfortable being left alone and resent attempts to butt in and "help."

When I immersed myself into this online scene and discovered that such a lifestyle [DD] existed, I was at first quite appalled and thought all these women needed help! I now know better. But, I tried to make myself want discipline, because I had this sense that if I didn't go for the discipline, I'd 1) not find a partner, and 2) not be considered a "real" spanko. So, I tried. And tried. And while I got extremely pissed off, angry, resentful, and ended up fed up with spanking altogether, I never got all these warm fuzzy feelings that people say discipline gives them. Might be my upbringing [supremely perfectionist with no forgiveness ever in sight], might just be my personality type [methodical and analytical].

While spanking is my primary focus and I adore it, I think in intent, I have more in common with the wider BSDM community in terms of the eroticism I associate with spanking. I love black leather, locks and chains [not necessarily being IN them!], and pain for its own sake. I like my play very intense, and then when the scene is done, equilibrium is restored. I am now able to go about it without having it all about sex, but my primary goals are still recreational and sensual, not behavioral.

By the way, I figured most of that out about myself by babbling at poor RG. I owe that guy a pizza. Er, wait, he's Southern... I own him some greens n beans. :)

Hey, if ya owe him some greens n' beans, Adelina, then I owe him the fried chicken or some such. RG is king when it comes to self-discovery babble.

LOL. Well, I started to reply to Adelina's post about going through much of that with her, and then aurora chimed in. So I'll just generalize the intended comment a bit.

I think that this little series of posts point out some very important things about the spanking community and finding your way in it. There have also been a few other recent posts around the same theme (Panda Bear's comes to mind), which indicates that this is a pretty important topic in our world. Some of my personal observations:

(1) What people get out of spanking and what people need from spanking is incredibly diverse! It can be almost as different as night and day.

(2) I am surprised at how many people make assumptions, usually subconscious, at how spanking works in the human mind in relation to No. 1 above, and then blithely go blundering through the spanking world. At the least, they are out of touch with a lot of people who don't fit the narrow paradigm in their mind, and at the worst cause a lot of confusion and needless anxiety among those on a journey of discovery themselves. Most often the victims of these often-unintended effects are bottoms and subs.

(3) It's incredibly important to discover and know what YOU want and need from your spanking interest/kink. Until you do, you will not have the potential to be completely happy or satisfied with it. And it's not always an easy world of discovery. It can take much thought, much inner reflection, much learning about the spanking world (and perhaps the wider BDSM world), much talking with others, and more. But the pursuit of understanding yourself is perhaps the single most important thing that you will do. And when you find it, then you must not let others deter you from it.

And more, of course, but I think that catches some of the important essence of what was being touched on here.

Well said RG ! My opinion, which doesn't always account for much, lol, is this;
those who are on the outside of our spanking world that are giving their negative opinions as they peer in at us, need to mind their own beeswax. I don't want to sound rude but really ! Everyone has their kinks, hobbies, interests and so forth. I think it is rude to criticize someone's interest in something out of ignorance. Worst though, is when they spout these opinions in the presence of a sub or bottom like you mention. Focus is what kept me determined to follow through with my curiosity of spanking in the adult world. I'm so glad I did !

Amber, I agree with you completely. Just to clarify my own comments, I was referring to people INSIDE the spanking world! LOL. I've seen a lot of folks, both Tops and bottoms, who have these preconceived notions of how spanking works or should work, and apply that to everyone.

I, by the way, I got a chuckle at your "beeswax" usage. That was common where I grew up, too, but think that in general it has fallen out of disuse in most of the U.S. I wonder if that's another of our "Southernisms?" ;)

"Mind your own beeswax" isn't a Southernism. People said it all the time when I was a kid. It's just gone out of fashion. There was a girl in my 4-H club who did beekeeping and got all bent out of shape whenever people took her bees' name in vain!

And RG's right, it's not the non-spankos, it's people who -are- spankos and don't realize there's more than one type of spanko. I think maybe we get caught in this net of "finally, I found a whole little world (website) where everyone's just like me!" and golly gee, they still aren't all like me. Still lots of variety. I ran into that very blockage myself and had to burrow through it.