Do you think a safeword might have helped here?
I am right on board with no-means-no, but since a lot of subs say no when they mean yes, as part of the 'game' or even real reluctance to go through with a punishment, safewords can help clear up that kind of confusion. Not saying this dude wasn't wrong, but I think it's this kind of situation that safewords were created for. They're not just for physical reasons, but psychological or emotional as well.

Well I do agree that safe words are important. As much as I hate using them. I don't honestly think a safe word would have helped I made it very clear I didn't want it and got out of the mood on a few occasions to talk to him about it before hand. I think some people just won't listen, Even to safe words.

But in anycase laying down a safe word before hand in future would be a good idea thanks for the surgestion.

Not really. We've had some occasions where I haven't known what she was after at a particular time, but, I can't say that I wouldn't have been in the mood to deliver. Misreading a signal is quite different than being unwilling to do something.

It occurred to me, this question actually IS relevant to me... just not in the way I thought it would be. Something sarah_thorne said to me finally clicked into place.

It's not my kink though, but my husband's, that fits here. He likes being tied and blindfolded for mild CBT, and I am really, wholely, entirely disinterested. I have nothing against it, no qualms or ick factor at all. I just have no draw whatsoever to being the top. BUT, since he's my hubby and I love 'im, I do it on the admittedly sparse occasions that he asks, because I know he loves it and it helps him sleep when he's stressed out.

Oh yes! I definitely have the same outlook as you when it comes to discussing through a cyber venue or "playing", so to speak with people whom I have no real vested relationship.

And being an object for a Dom's use is not something that appeals to me either, and I think I excluded that "kind" of relationship, which I would akin to something like a M/s relationship where it seems the whole dynamic centers around the objectification of the slave. And even many of them do not do it outside of a "scene" - unless they live it, I guess.

I think kaylex's analogy to "having a headache" was kinda dead on. And, in some instances, even the headache sufferer goes ahead and performs the act that they would normally enjoy, out of choosing to do so for their s/o. And, sometimes, their s/o may be oblivious to their "true" feelings on the matter at the time. Kinda like, in my instance, I don't think RG *really* knew I didn't wanna do something that I normally do. And so I chose to submit to it -- for him. :)

So, I guess maybe that's the kind of "did you ever do it when you didn't wanna?" that I was asking about rather than something like, "did you do something you didn't like cuz you felt pressured?" - kinda like in Kyra's situation. :)

sarah

I'm both a top and a bottom. As a top, there was a time where i was spanking someone, but i just was really tired, and i didn't want to make a butt red.

As a bum myself, I remember getting almost thrown across someone's knee, and I knew I was going to REALLY get it. I always enjoyed getting paddled, belted, and getting done with the hand. I always liked it on the bare, too, but i really wasn't in the mood.

Ah, this adds a different angle. I guess from reading, I assumed RG was clear that you didn't want to, but did so anyway just to assert authority. That, to me, would be using you as an object for his own purposes. Nothing wrong with that, mind you, but it's how the scene appeared to me.

In RG's words, he did imply that he could spank whenever he wanted, that the decision was his... so what -is- the difference between that, and M/s? (Not being snippy here, I do actually want to know.)

Hi adelina. That's a good question - especially from someone like you who I know tries hard to understand the whole submission thing in general.

M/s is really just a more extreme version of D/s, I think. Both have the same underlying elements. However, I think objectification of the sub/slave is more prevalent in M/s as both partners get their jollies from that. Also, I think "slaves" tend to be more subject to their Master's pleasure, and are subjected to more extreme sides of discipline and bondage --- well, just BDSM in general.

As for RG's comment about the "decision being [his]." For starters, in actual discipline I have no choice but to comply regardless of whether I want to or not, and I have chosen this. The premise is that that it's good for me. At the exact moment I may not think so, but the whole DD thing does indeed (another thread! lol) keep me grounded and feeling "cared for" and accountable. Of course, along with that comes the trust and communication as to what requires "discipline" and "control", for if I was being disciplined unjustly continuously, things wouldn't last long!

The assertion of dominance in play, however, is something that is very erotic. The whole illusion of non consensual, of having no choice or being unable to get away plays a part -- when, in reality, of course "play" can be stopped if I truly do not want to do it.

And, despite this dominant role RG has in our relationship, he also loves me and cares about me and is considerate of how I feel. Just like he would never force sex on me if I truly didn't want it and use me for his purpose only despite what I wanted, he would never force me down to spank me just for his pleasure if he knew that I really, *really* did not want to play.

The protest I was making is normally part of our playful banter, so he had no real reason to suspect that I was NOT in the mood. I chose to submit after the weak protests did no good of my own volition, as an exercise of submission. What *he* said in regards to being able to do it when he wants, is also part of our banter. Kind of "this bottom belongs to me". I could have pushed myself up and said assertively, "I *really* don't want to do this. Forget sex. I'm just going to bed."

Believe me. he woulda got the message then -- AND he woulda respected the message. You've met RG. You know he's really just a big teddy bear! ;)

sarah